Running Up That Hill
by deadanimals
Summary: When you lose everything in your life in one moment what is there to really live for? Watch Sasuke go through anger, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Who will save him? SxN
1. Chapter 1

Sasuke looked out the window watching the scenery of a familiar city pass him by, he smiled happily knowing soon that he would be home, and he would soon be back with his beloved girlfriend. He missed her the months that he had been away on tour especially now with her being pregnant, he wanted nothing more than to be there for her the whole time and not have to leave her side, but he had to. She told him that she would be alright though, her friend Ino was there to take care of her while he was absent for those long months and he was grateful for her help. He looked around at his band mates all of them wrapped up in their own worlds planning what they would do when they arrived back to their homes. In a way it was always sad for a tour to end or for a record to be finished recording because it always meant departing.

Yes they were close friends…A family really is what they had become over the years. They had seen and been through so much together and no matter what they had made it through for so many years. Yes it wasn't a real 'departure' they would still call one another and go and hang out and go to shows together. There would still be a few stray interviews to fulfill after touring and before they could take a real break from it all and go back to just being human. While on tour it was different. It was different from any other experience in the world and they all loved it as much as they loathed it at times.

"Excited?"

Sasuke looked over to see Naruto sitting by him smiling.

"Very." He replied the smile never leaving his face.

Everybody was excited for him, they knew how much he had wanted to have a child. It had been a few years now that he had been talking about it. Finally now it was happening, he had found the right woman and soon enough they would have a child.

"I'm happy for you man. You really, really deserve this." Naruto said pushing a blonde fringe of hair away from his face.

"Thanks I hope I can always be there for my kid….ya know?"

"You will be there for them, don't worry about it. You're a good person you won't screw up."

Sasuke smiled at his long time friend. He had known Naruto ever since they were toddlers before they knew how cruel and beautiful the world could really be. Their families both came from lower classes just barely making it. Naruto's family lived more in the woods relying more on farming and hunting for food and a home, out of the band he knew the most about survival in harsh situations of nature. Sasuke didn't have it the same, there was only him and his half brother Itachi who he loved dearly, but could never feel a full relationship with. He constantly wondered if it had to do with his brother only being half, not full blooded related. He knew Itachi loved his father, but Sasuke couldn't stand the man. This was the same man who took place of his deceased father with ease and showed little compassion towards Sasuke through the years. Yes he could socialize and talk to the man, but there was never that full bond that he could have had with his real father. Tragedy tore that away from him though, his father had died when Sasuke was just a small child, he hated himself for not remembering him. He would see pictures that his mother had saved, but it wasn't the same. He just couldn't remember and he hated himself for it.

He swore that he wouldn't do that to his own child. That he would try to live healthy and be there for them for a very, very long time. He didn't want his child to grow up not knowing him and not remembering him like he had to do with his own father. He also didn't want to make the same mistakes that his step father had made and be harsh to the point where his child would despise him and think badly of him and never forgive him for actions that he had taken. He swore that he would do everything he could to always be there for his child and that it would kill him if they ever said that they hated him.

He was pulled from his thoughts when he felt Naruto squeeze his hand, he looked up into the older man's light blue eyes that were filled with concern. He was psychic, he knew what Sasuke was thinking about and he knew that he was over thinking it all and that was correct. He had that terrible habit of over thinking and criticizing himself, he couldn't let himself be that happy. He would try though, besides in a few minutes he would be back home with his girlfriend of seven years.

Sakura, he loved her more than life itself. He had met her years ago after a concert, she was hanging out with a group of her friends and Sasuke went up to her. She had long pink hair and fishnet stockings, it was like looking at perfection. He wanted to ask her out, but he didn't she seemed better than him. He was used to the fan girls throwing themselves at him and acting like he was some sort of sex symbol of the gothic and emo scenes, but Sakura treated him like anybody else. He admits that it was immature and stupid of him to get upset by the way that she treated him not like a God and more like the human that he really was, but he was used to the high treatment. He liked that about her though it was what made him want to be with her more. She liked him and they became quick and close friends, he introduced her to his family, his band mates, and his friends. Everybody loved her and got along with her unlike any of the other women he had dated in the past in which somebody out of the three groups of people could find something just not right, but not with her.

Eventually he asked her out and she accepted. The relationship went quickly which at times he wondered if maybe he should have taken things more slowly than he had, but they were still together and she would look at him with such love that it hurt him sometimes. They only took it quickly because they knew one another so well, it seemed like they had known each other for ever and that there was nothing that they needed to really know. He couldn't wait to get home so he could be with her again.

He smiled broadly as the bus stopped outside of his house, he got up grabbing his two bags of luggage and ran from the bus shouting back 'bye' to his friends and road crew. He heard the bus start and drive away taking everybody back to their own individual lives, he knew that he would be back around his friends within a week or so. He was happy to see that Sakura's car was parked in the drive way, he couldn't go another minute without seeing her. He opened the door and walked into the home, the living room was silent and dark the only light coming from the sun outside. Sakura stood up from the couch when he walked into the home a shy smile on her face. He went over to her and hugged her tightly kissing her softly.

"I love you baby, I've missed the both of you so much." He whispered to her softly, rubbing his hand lightly over her stomach.

She shivered and pulled back a bit giving another small smile and mouthing an 'I love you too'.

"How have you been? How has the baby been?" He asked excitedly just happy to be home with his family.

"Sasuke…You should sit down…Th-there's something I need to tell you." She said quietly, averting her eyes to the ground.

He looked at her with concern wondering what was wrong.

"Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah I'm good." She said reassuringly.

That gave him some relief.

"Is the baby okay?"

"That's what I want to talk to you about…." She said her voice getting lower.

Sasuke sat on the couch afraid that if it was something bad that he would drop to the ground. He could feel his heart pounding harshly against his chest ready to burst through his skin and fall to the floor.

"Is the baby okay? Is something wrong with it? What's going on?" He asked frantically the fear beyond evident in his voice.

Sakura ran her hand back through her bright pink hair and let out a nervous laugh just barely looking him in the eyes.

"Tell me what's going on."

"Sasuke…There isn't going to be a baby." She said quickly.

He looked at her with even more confusion trying to figure out what she meant, she was pregnant, he went to the hospital with her.

"What? What do you mean you aren't pregnant? Th-the doctors said you are and I was with you and…This doesn't make sense.." He stuttered out.

"I know…I know…I was pregnant…I went to a clinic a few weeks ago."

"What? Was? What clinic?"

He could feel the fear and the confusion rushing through his body, he felt light headed. He was either going to cry hysterically from the strongly combined emotions or just pass out.

"I went to an abortion clinic Sasuke." She said dead pan, this time she did look him in the eyes.

She looked cold about what she said, the words that left her mouth rang in his ears and he tried to decipher what they meant and what everything meant and tried to work out how he was feeling and how he wanted to throw up and cry and pass out and how if anything she looked like a cross between mad at him and cold and uncaring about what she just said she had done.

"An abortion clinic…I don't understand…" He said running his fingers back through his long locks of black hair.

"It's where you go to terminate pregnancies." She explained.

He felt a pang of hate that she would dare treat him like he was stupid at a time like this.

"I know what it is." He snapped glaring up at her.

"Why? H-h-how could you do this to our baby?"

"I'm not ready for a baby yet Sasuke…I just can't…I was sitting and thinking about it and how I looked and the clothes that were starting to become too small and how much stress it would be on me and how I really, really am not ready for a baby yet." She babbled on the reasons every single one of them about her.

"You can't be fucking serious, your joking right? Tell me that you are fucking joking." He yelled jumping up from the couch and walking closer to her.

"No I'm not Sasuke. I don't want a baby so I got him removed."

"Our baby! It was our baby and it should have been our decision for you to fucking kill it! I can't believe you! We tried for so long to have a baby, you were the one that brought up the idea, you agreed that you wanted to do this. You said that you loved me and wanted to have a family with me, do you even fucking love me anymore?! I can't believe you! That was our baby, I wanted to start a family with you." He screamed feeling the rage course through his body.

She just stood there and looked at him taking in his words and deleting them in the back of her mind.

"I know you did, but I'm not ready yet. I thought that I was and I knew that if I called you that you would have gotten mad at me."

"Probably, but at least we could have talked about it first. You know talk about it? We could have talked about it before you killed our child."

"Stop saying it that way…Aborted it wasn't killing him."

"It was murder Sakura! A human being, our child. That child was a part of me and a part of you and you let them kill it." He yelled biting back the tears that wanted to flow wildly from his eyes.

He balled his hands into fist so tightly that his nails were breaking the skin and he could feel the hot sticky blood pour over his fingers.

"He didn't feel anything Sasuke….I know that you're upset, but he didn't feel anything. It was very humanitarian." She said sounding so much like one of those doctors that can take a life and not give it a second thought.

"Him?"

"They told me that the baby was going to be a boy…."

"You know how badly I wanted a son!" He screamed.

"I know you did, but I can't have a baby yet. I have too much I want to do."

"You killed our son Sakura don't say it was humane there is nothing fucking humane about killing another being especially a fucking child! I can't fucking believe you! You're nothing but a selfish fucking bitch!" He screamed at her.

Her eyes widened in non-belief as if him yelling at her and cussing her was out of question. As if she was too good to be talked to in that way, how was she even good enough to be standing there in his home?

"Don't talk to me like that Sasuke….I know you're upset."

"I love you why couldn't you have told me what you were thinking of doing? Why didn't you even fucking call or let me know you were having doubts?" He questioned, his voice was softer and much more sorrowful.

"The baby was inside of me not you. It wasn't up to you Sasuke it was my decision, not yours."

"Not mine?…Not mine?!" He screamed.

"No it wasn't."

"Really and how in fuck wasn't it my decision to kill our baby?" He said emphasizing on our as much as he could.

"It was in me…I didn't want it."

"You should have talked to me….You should have asked my opinion, you should have talked to me….Do you even love me? Did you ever even love that baby?"

"I never felt anything for it….I couldn't…I just couldn't….I couldn't call you either because I knew how much you loved it….That's why I didn't call…I knew you wouldn't want me to."

"I can't believe this….I feel sick…I feel fucking sick….God…I can't believe you….I thought I could trust you of all people."

"You can."

"No or else you wouldn't' have killed our fucking child!" He screamed at her.

"Sasuke…"

"Don't…Get the fuck out."

"What?"

"Get out of my house Sakura. Get out of my fucking house. Get all of your shit and get the fuck out. Right. Now. Anything that you forget don't bother fucking coming back for it because it will be in a big fucking bonfire in the backyard." He said sternly, his voice was filled with hate and rage towards the woman standing before him.

She placed her hand on his arm lightly.

"Don't touch me." He growled jerking violently away from her.

"Do you even love me Sakura?" He asked as he sat on the couch.

He looked deeply into her cold green eyes awaiting her answer, he knew what it would be. It shouldn't take two minutes to think about that question.

"I'm sorry Sasuke….You're a really nice guy."

"Fuck you." He growled before placing his hands over his face hiding her from his view.

He heard her footsteps as she made her way slowly to their room to gather her things. He felt hot tears running down his cheeks and bit down hard on his bottom lip to keep from crying more. He didn't want her to see him crying, he would wait till she was completely gone before he would do that. She didn't deserve the fucking right to see him crying over all the Hell she put him through in just a few minutes. She tore him from a Nirvana level of happiness and peace and dragged him down to the fiery pits of Hell. In about fifteen minutes the footsteps were close and stopped.

"Aren't you going to help me with my bags?" She asked coldly.

He looked up at her with tears falling from his eyes and glared at her amazed at her coldness.

"Fuck you. Get out of my fucking house you piece of shit." He growled.

She opened her mouth and closed it a couple of times in too much shock to form words before she grabbed up her bags and tossed them out the door and onto the lawn. She stormed out the door slamming it behind her hard enough to knock one of the picture frames from the wall and crash to the ground. He listened to the sound of a car door slamming shut and an engine sputtering to a fury of life as tires screeched and sped out of the driveway and away.

He looked around his home. He listened to the silence that was drowned out by the sounds of his throbbing head and his beating heart. He let out a loud frustrated scream and kicked the coffee table over, it hit the television set knocking it off of its stand and it crashed against the wall breaking. The wires of the set made hissing noises as they were exposed, Sasuke stood from the couch and slammed his fist into the wall hitting right through. He cried out from the pain of sending his fist through the wall like that, he could feel the blistering and the blood and possibly even a broken finger or two. If he did anything with his hand then he would have been slightly concerned. He pulled back and hit another spot and another then grabbed the couch up by one end and tossed it over breaking a table and a lamp.

He ran his hands through his hair pushing it away from his face and looked at the mess that he had made, he felt almost like destroying the entire house and God damn it if that wasn't what he was going to do until the anger was drained from his body. He tore the picture frames from the walls, every picture with Sakura in it he grabbed and threw against walls, he took a small wooden statue that she had bough ten and through it into the kitchen listened as something in the other room shattered. He stormed into the kitchen to see the coffee pot broken and coffee splattered like blood and glass littering the counter top and the floor below. He grabbed up a pitcher and threw it against the frigate and watched the glass fall like drops of shiny rain to the ground.

Anything in his reach he tore from his place and threw and broke. The phone ringing startled him, he looked at it and immediately knew that he didn't want to talk to another living being for awhile now. He grabbed the phone from the wall ripping it and wires from the wall and threw it through the window. He had successfully destroyed half of his home. He closed his eyes tightly and could almost hear the throbbing in his head and he could feel himself swaying as if he would fall to the ground. He stumbled back against a counter and gripped it so tightly that his torn knuckles turned bone white and the wounds opened wider. He leaned his head back and opened his eyes looking up at the ceiling. He then looked around the remains of the kitchen and the living room, it looked like something from a crime scene. He didn't feel angry anymore, he just felt terrified, depressed, and useless to no end. He felt a wave of nausea hit him like a brick wall and turned throwing up into the sink, he shakily pulled his hair from his face and placed it behind his shoulder. He hated vomiting, he hated the burning sensation, he hated the feeling that his internal organs would fall from his mouth. He felt his body shake violently and the tears fell rapidly from his eyes never planning to stop.

He finally stopped vomiting and pulled back stumbling and hit his back against the opposite counter and slid to the ground. He placed his hands at his sides into the broken shards of glass that were now embedding themselves in his hands, he leaned his head back and listened to the ringing of the telephone and thought of the song by Marilyn Manson & The Spooky Kids titled ironically enough 'Telephone' and the constant line of 'The constant ringing of the telephone…I know that it is her calling and if I don't answer she will know that I am home and ignoring her.' He knew that it was probably her.

Those were his final thoughts before he collapsed onto his side.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two and Three

He awoke on a bed of shattered glass. He could feel the shiny slivers cutting into his flesh and winced at the pain, his body felt heavy and useless. He considered just laying there awhile longer as thoughts and memories seeped slowly back into his spinning mind. He curled his fingers and listened to the tiny sounds of tapping as his finger tips dragged the glass across the linoleum floor, he felt the sharp unforgiving edges cutting into his flesh with ease. He let out a small pathetic whimper at the sharp stinging pain, he could now feel where there was glass embedded in his arm and even a small sliver of it in his cheek. He knew that he needed to get up, he needed to face the damage he had caused all due to a tantrum.

He had never lost it like that before, he had been through Hell and back, but never had he really felt the way that he did at this moment. He felt like he had no purpose in living and that he could easily lose his life without even thinking or pausing. He groaned and placed his hands firmly on the ground crushing more glass with his hands as he pushed himself onto his hands and knees, he reached up and gripped at the counter top yelping as the glass in the palms of his hands pressed in further from the pressure. He finally made it to his feet his body shaking in shock.

He opened his eyes slowly and blinked a couple of times to get the blurriness from his vision, he was amazed by the Hell pit that was now his home. He was astonished alone that the neighbors did not call the cops. He had hoped that it would all have been a God awful dream and that he would wake in his bed beside his beautiful girlfriend and that they would make love.

That was what he wanted, he longed for that to happen, but no. He woke on the floor covered in cuts of self affliction and he was alone. There was nobody there to save him from his self destructive thoughts. He knew that he could call his friends or his family that maybe they could help him, but could they? Could they really help save him from the edge? The way that he saw it was that he had already jumped off of the edge, he had jumped the minute his lover told him she killed their son. That's when he had jumped there was nothing left to save.

He knew he would tell them in time if he lived long enough to tell them. He knew that they would hug him and tell him that they knew what he was going through and that anything he needed they would try their best to help him with, but did they understand the pain and the heartache that he was feeling? Had they ever experienced anything even remotely close to what he had just experienced? No they had not, until they had they would never understand the way that he felt and for their lack of understanding he hated them.

Sasuke dragged his weathered body from the kitchen and into the ruined remains of the living room, he leaned against the door frame and looked in on his beautiful mess. It was a showing of what strong, raw human emotions could do. The damage that a single person could cause when they felt something strong enough that they could no longer keep it to themselves. He felt something warm and wet land on his arm and glanced down to see a drop of water rolling from his arm and dropping to the floor. He touched his fingertips to his face and brought it back to see that he was crying.

He didn't even know that he was or how long he had been. He was so numb that the thought of crying and the action being performed just seemed beyond foreign to him. He knew all of the reasons that he was crying for and those reasons were a lifetime long and would probably never end. By the luck that he was having with his life so far death would let him live to a brittle old age and he would have to live deep into his 90's and always feel that pain. Of course he could always intervene in natures plans, but the thought made his stomach leap a bit as if he would start to vomit again.

He looked at his martyred flesh and the caked on blood, he needed to wash it all off. It wouldn't look any better after the blood was washed from his body, but at least he wouldn't look like a murder victim. He stumbled his way through the hallway to the bathroom. He felt like passing out again. His feet felt light and his legs felt useless and he felt like his head would explode from all of the pressure and the constant ringing in his ears.

He felt sick again, he tried to move faster taking longer strides toward the bathroom just for the comfort of being able to pass out in the other room. He broke into an unsteady run falling against walls and finally making it into the bathroom. He dropped heavily to his knees wincing at the pain that shot up through his body from the hard impact and leaned forward hugging onto the toilet bowl as he started to violently vomit once again.

He wondered exactly what it was that he was throwing up, he hadn't eaten for hours, but yet he was throwing up. He didn't even bother with his hair this time, he already felt like he was dying he could have given a fuck less if he got vomit in his hair. His body shook violently and he could barely breathe, he pulled back and fell against the wall running the back of his arm across his mouth. He gasped for breath and rubbed at his throat wondering if he was truly dying or if he was just having an emotional breakdown. He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself.

He could feel the ground shifting underneath him as if it was splitting in two and that he would fall through the gaping hole in the Earth and fall to his death. He couldn't relax. How was he supposed to relax? If he could relax then he would be a very sick person. Shower. That's what the original plan was before he vomited and thought about dying again, shower. He picked himself up and wobbled over to the sink, he leaned against the counter and looked at the mirror.

The sickening creature that looked back at him in no way was him, there was no way that he looked so God awful and dead. He looked more like a thing created by Stephen King more than he did a man. He felt the urge to punch the mirror, but looked down at his hands and the small shards of glass that stuck up from them.

They had gone through enough damage in the past few hours, he had no need to put them through anymore. He needed to remove the shards from his flesh before they cut any deeper and before they could infect his skin. He started with the one in his cheek, it was small and minor barely going into the soft flesh. He winced as he pulled it out due mostly to the sound it made. The sick sliding sound followed by a small 'plop'. He then went to work on the longer shards in his arms and hands, he tried to avert his mind to a different place that way he could avoid the wave of nausea that he got from the terrible sound and feeling of the glass being plucked from his body. There was no place for his mind to go the only other place there was, was the cause of the damage. He still could hear the screaming. His screaming. She didn't scream at him. She was calm as she explained what she had done in his eyes she had always been pure perfection, but now he saw her for the sick demonic piece of human flesh that she truly was. He hated her more than anything for lying and being a wolf in sheep's skin all of the years they had known one another.

'Abortion is wrong, I could never do that.' She had said one night after they had made love years ago.

That was when he had first started thinking over the idea of starting a family, they had started to discuss it. She had said that she was thinking over it as well and that she would love to have a child with him. She had said that she damned anybody that could take the life of a child that was not even yet born.

'Guess she was damning herself' He thought laughing sickly at the dark little statement.

Finished. He looked at the blood stained glass that littered the bowl of the sink. All of that had been embedded in his flesh. It amazed his numb sedated state of a mind. He limped over to the shower and pushed open the sliding glass door and turned the faucets watching as a spray of water spurted from the head of the shower. He listened to the loud roar of the water and the patter of it hitting the shower stall floor. Every sound seemed tripled to him now and it soothed him. He removed his shirt which was no ragged and blood stained, he balled it up and threw it into the hallway watching as it hit the wall and dropped to the floor. He started to work on his pants cussing as he fumbled with his belt buckle. Finally he got it un-done and was completely naked. There were more marks on his body, more cuts and bruises that would scar him physically for life. If it wasn't for the sleeves of tattoos he would look worse than he already did. He loved tattoos for that reason above all they always hid scars.

He stepped into the shower stall and hissed as the scorching spray of water pounded against his back, he stood there under the spray and watched as the blood turned to a pretty shade of pink as it ran down his pale form and down the drain. He was pretty sure that he had a bottle of fingernail polish that was that exact same shade of pink. Polish? He had to be out of his mind to have a stupid out of nowhere thought like that. Nobody could take that away from him though, they could never tell him that he had no reason to be insane now. He stood there till the water turned to cold stinging his scarred flesh more than the hot had, he turned the faucets to off and stepped out. He didn't even bother drying off. He just made his way through the hall and into his bedroom, he grabbed a shirt from the closet and a pair of jeans from a drawer and pulled them both on. He caught a glimpse of himself in the full length mirror and hated what he saw. Once again he considered smashing his fist into the glass just to rid himself of the nightmare that was him. All his life his one down fall was his looks and how vain he was about them. He always cared about the way that he looked, he always wanted to show off his body and his clothing and everything about himself. Now though he hated himself beyond words and could not describe what he saw now. Only word that he could use was creature.

Ringing again. This time it was his cellular phone, he walked over to the dresser where it laid and looked at the caller ID flashing on the blue lit screen; Naruto. He thought a second or two if he should answer, but turned against the thought. He would answer it and he would have to fake that everything was okay and that he wasn't having the worlds most powerful emotional breakdown. He turned his back on the ringing phone and collapsed onto his bed…'His' bed it used to be 'our' bed, but now it only belonged to him and him alone. He thought a bit if he could ever move on and find another woman that he could be with, but the thought sickened him. He was officially done with women, he would just remain alone rather than trust again. He curled up placing his hands over his face and began to sob again. He had never stopped crying, he had been crying ever since she slammed that door. He felt that he would never stop crying and that the phone would never stop ringing.

One new voicemail. The words flashed on the screen of his cell phone as he held it in the palm of his scarred hand looking at it. He didn't even want to flip it open in fear that the minute he did somebody would call and he would have to talk to them. He didn't want to talk to anybody right now or possibly even never, Hell he still wasn't sure if he wanted to kill himself or not. He took a deep breath and flipped the phone open hitting the accept button and pressing the receiver to his ear. There were two possibilities of who it could have been that left a voicemail. He had heard the phone ring once or twice after he had passed out.

"Hey Sasuke it's Naruto just checking in….Tried to call the house phone, but it randomly said it was disconnected so guess your phone is being stupid or some shit…You aren't answering your cell phone either…Called twice…Guess you and Sakura are catching up or your sleeping or something…Sorry if I woke you guys up or anything…Anyways might come by tomorrow or some shit….Talk to you guys later…Tell Sakura that I said hi."

Sasuke turned the phone off and tossed it onto the bed. He rubbed his hands over his face and flinched at the stinging pain. The cuts were still raw and a couple still bleeding even. He wished that he had just broken his cell phone and not have picked it up. The last thing he wanted his mind to go back to were memories of why his body was in the state that it was. If Sakura ever tried communicating with him ever again he wasn't sure what he would do to her. He knew that whatever it was that he wouldn't regret it. He made his way from his bedroom and through the hallway and into the living room. He paused and looked around. The room was dark, it was night outside. He turned his head to look at what time it was, but he found that the clock was no longer hanging on the wall, but now on the ground in shattered pieces. He shook his head sadly and made his way into the kitchen. He whimpered in pain and fell to the ground when he stepped on the shards of glass that coated the ground.

"Fucking shit…" He growled as he placed his hands upon the ground to only be cut by more shards of glass.

He curled and uncurled his fingers against the ground gathering pieces of glass into his hands and grounding them into his palms. He could feel the blood start to flow from his hands as he cut the shards deeper and deeper into his scarred up flesh.

"Fuck" He groaned as he gave up and lay back on the ground.

He winced in pain as glass cut through his clothing and into his back, legs, and even into the back of his head. He could feel blood flowing from his body and hoped that this wasn't the way that the would die. He didn't want to die on a bed of glass. If he died from a suicidal cause of death he wanted it to be something far more marvelous. He wanted to jump from the balcony of a nice hotel or a rooftop. He wanted to slit his wrists in a bathtub flooded with steaming hot water, he wanted to hang himself in the center of his bedroom with rose petals at his feet….God he was fucking sick. He always thought those thoughts though, those were the thoughts that he turned into beautiful and morbid song lyrics.

They were ideas that were always wrapped around revenge to show a lost love just how much they hurt you and to see if they were truly happy now that you were lying dead in their home before their stunned eyes. He wished that he could do that to Sakura, maybe she would go against his angered words and come back to his home in hopes of getting back together or to retrieve something she had forgotten and she would find him bleed out and dead on the kitchen room floor. A bed of glass stained with his deep crimson blood. It sounded more and more beautiful in his head and the time passed and he felt tired.

He could feel the blood drying to his back and knew by logic that he was not losing enough blood to die, but most likely just enough to make him light headed and eventually pass out for the third time that day. He would wake up by the morning or evening time and would have to take another shower and try to deal with himself. He hoped that he wasn't completely insane, he had always been at the border. He was highly intelligent, everybody had told him so through his lifetime. It was something that he took in pride, but he never flaunted it. He always kind of hated it. He hated that he would over think every little thing and that his emotions could be stronger and over power his thought process. Like when he came home to find that his long time girlfriend and love of his life betrayed him and had lied all of those years. He knew that if he got over it that it would be years until the pain would subside and maybe even go away.

He thought about it more and thought about what would happen if he happened to pass her in a store or on the street like most ex-lovers ended up doing at least once in their lifetimes. He felt his heart sink at the thought and wondered if she would be with another and if he would be with somebody as well? What if he passed her by and he had moved on but she wanted him back and wanted a family with him again? He didn't know what he would do then if he didn't have a family then he might consider it even after all of the Hell she was putting him through. He loved her as much as he would love to see her drown in her own blood like he was possibly doing at the moment.

He was sick. He had always been sick. A person with very unstable emotions and he knew it and it made him an artist. It was the thing that made an artist great. It was sickening that you couldn't be a great artist without going through Hell in your life so much Hell that you begged for Death and it never came and then one day people were praising you and your art, but they were too blind to see the pain and suffering in your eyes. All artists died for their art and he wondered if he would be one of them. Musicians had it the hardest of all in some cases. So many musicians had Hell like lives as children and then into adulthood and would be prosecuted for their music and for their ways of life because they did not meet the quota of what was normal and accepted. Sasuke felt sorry for all of them especially the ones that could not handle it as well…Ones like himself that at times could not handle being treated more like a creature than a human being just because they chose to be different…Or maybe chose was not the correct word that he was searching for. People were all different just some could hide it and bury it like a dirty little secret while others no matter how hard they tried they could never hide it and everybody knew that you were different from the rest of the world and it terrified them to no end.

He hated that about man kind. He hated human curiosity and the fact that no matter what people were never happy until somebody was dead.

He rolled his head to the side and listened the crumbling of glass underneath him, he winced as he felt the shards pressing against his cheek. He looked up at the window…Well hole where a window once was before he shattered it away in his fit of rage. He looked at the full moon that hung in the sky casting everything in an eerie white light that gave it a strong horror movie effect that he once used to love, but now only found appropriate for his mentally dying state. He wondered what everybody would think when and if they found out that he was completely out of his mind and that he had spent over half the day thinking of ways that he could kill himself. He wondered when and if anybody would find him if he just lay on the floor and bled to death or starved to death most likely since the blood was drying and it felt like it was no longer flooding from his body. He wondered if people would mourn over somebody that was self loathing and was depressed and angry at the world around them.

He thought of all the people that did such great things in their life times but when they died they got nothing but a shrug off and a couple of 'oh that is so sad' from the people around them. Then there were people that were hated and prosecuted and wronged through their lives that had all the things they had done taken away from them and were shunned and hated, but the minute that they died they were worshipped and millions came to their funeral to mourn for them and everybody forgot every bad thing they have ever said or done to that person. It was sickening how people were, how they could love you in life and care less in death or hate you in life but treat you like Jesus once you are dead. It was just another part of human nature that he would never understand.

Like how a mother could kill her un-born child like it was the most normal thing a person could do….

He started coughing and sobbing as he thought about it again, he had avoided it all that time. But he knew it wouldn't last for long it would never leave him. He had dreamt about what had happened, he dreamt that he was there when she got the abortion. He dreamt that he stood in the doorway and watched as the doctor murdered their child removing the child's brain and throwing its small helpless form into a white bag. He couldn't believe that she did that. That she acted as if doing what she did was normal and humane. Bull shit there was nothing humane about what she had done. He hated her so much for doing that and treating him like he was stupid for acting the way that he did to what she did. He had every right to react the way that he did and he knew that every time he would sleep he would dream about it and he would never get the images out of his mind. He wasn't with her when she went, but he knew what happened there. He had watched a video about abortion when he was in college during a biology class. After the video he remembered running to the bathroom and vomiting for several hours, nothing in his life had made him so sick like that had done. He felt sick again right now.

He groaned and struggled as he pulled his tired body up to his feet, he grasped onto the counter and made it close enough to the sink to just fall against it and start to dry heave and finally throw up. He still didn't know what he was throwing up, but surely it was purely blood and water by now. He pulled away from the sick and just fell to the ground as his legs buckled underneath of him. He hit his head hard and knew that he cut the back of his head and now it was bleeding. He lay on his side feeling tired and weak before he finally passed out for possibly the third of fourth time that day.


	3. Chapter 3

He could just faintly hear the front door open. He felt like he was a million miles away from his body and from the world he knew was still around him. He could hear footsteps echoing through the home and the blackness where his mind resided at the moment, he wondered if maybe he had died or if he was only having an out of body experience. No it wasn't an out of body experience during one of those you saw what was going on. Most likely he was dead or coming to, but unable to open his eyes or move his mouth to form words.

"Sasuke? Sakura?"

A voice echoed far off in the distance, Sasuke cringed hearing her name be said aloud. He cursed her name and he always would. All he felt was anger and sadness with the sound of her name which used to be so sweet but now was bitter to him.

"Hello? Is anybody in here? What happened?"

The voice called again sounded more and more frantic and terrified with each word. Sasuke struggled to decipher the voice and tag who it was calling out for a reply, he only knew it was somebody that he knew.

The footsteps grew closer and he heard a gasp and a mumbled cuss word come from the person who had intruded into his broken home. He felt hands on the sides of his face; they felt so comforting and warm against his cold flesh and yet burned as they touched upon the scars on his cheeks.

"Sasuke…Come on wake up…Wake up please be alright man…Come on wake up." The voice mumbled going from a whisper to nearly a shout as frustration and fear grew more and more.

Sasuke struggled harder as he tried to make a sound or a single movement, he felt like he was in another place and time and that he could not force his limp and weathered form to move like it used to before it was abused and butchered.

"Come on say something…"

He managed to part his lips and let out a weak little whimper and felt like a fool for the sound. He sounded like a wounded animal begging for help. At least it was a sound and it pleased who ever it was that was caressing his cheeks ever so softly and giving him the slightest tinge of comfort and warmth.

"Thank God…Come on just open your eyes now." The voice pleaded.

He screwed his eyes shut trying to get his body to remember the action that was oh so foreign to him now. Opening his eyes. He couldn't figure it out right now, all he could do was close them tighter and shut out more of the barely there light. Curiosity of who was touching him ate away at him and wanting to feel and know there was another living being with him at the moment grew worse and worse with each struggling second. He heard the person above him whisper more and more pleas and words of encouragement in a gentle and oh so familiar voice that he heard many times before. He knew who it was he just honestly could not place a name or a face. He felt fingers move through his tangled mane of hair and felt a shiver travel down his spine at the gentle touch. Finally he managed to open his eyes wide and groaned as the sunlight pouring from the 'window' burned his eyes.

"Thank God…What happened?"

Sasuke looked up and back to see who was there with him. He saw Naruto with his fearful blue eyes and two toned hair in which the blonde fringe hung down over his face.

Now he had to answer questions and God he didn't want to answer them, he wasn't really sure that he could form words. The only ones that he had formed since she left his house were cusswords from anger and rage as he destroyed his home.

He struggled to sit and felt Naruto's strong hands help him up as his body shook from the attempt of movement. It felt like a thousand bees stinging at his body, it was all from the glass that had been cutting him since yesterday and he hissed through his teeth at the pain. He felt the guitarist place a gentle hand on his back careful not to hurt him.

"Fuck…What happened to your back? Where's Sakura at is she okay?"

"Fuck if I know where she is." Sasuke growled out the reply as he leaned back against the counter still wincing from the sharp stings of pain. He looked at his friend and saw the fright in his eyes and knew that he would have to start explaining soon or Naruto would only worry more.

"Did somebody break in? Is that what happened? Fuck did they take Sakura? Did you call the cops yet?" Naruto rambled on and on as he looked at his surroundings with growing anxiety.

Sasuke reached out a shaky hand and placed it on his friend's shoulder to calm him and draw his attention back to Earth and away from his jumpy conclusions.

"Nobody broke in. Sakura left. I kicked her out yesterday. I did this to the house…To myself as well…" He said slowly making sure that the words had time to sink in.

"What? I don't get it." Naruto stuttered out looking like a lost child now.

"…I broke up with…She broke up with…I kicked her out…I think she was headed that way anyways…"

"Why? What about the baby?"

Sasuke flinched and felt a wave of nausea at the question; he felt hot tears roll down his cheeks and knew that it would take all the strength he had to explain what had happened to his friend.

"Sasuke…What happened?" Naruto asked slowly his voice sounding as nervous as Sasuke's had the night Sakura told him about the abortion.

"Sh-she…Oh fuck…Sakura…While I was on tour…Sh-she…She went to the abortion clinic and aborted the baby…It was a boy…" He managed that much out before he broke down crying, he covered his face with his hands as his body convulsed.

He felt Naruto's arms automatically wrap around him pulling his cold and shaking form to his warm and solid one where he felt automatically safe and wanted unlike he had felt for the past forty-eight hours. Naruto didn't speak, he didn't say anything. He just let his best friend cry out in pain and frustration as he rubbed his martyred back and rocked him back and forth. Sasuke wanted to hear that everything was going to be alright, but who the fuck was he kidding? It was never going to be alright and everybody knew that. There was nothing that you could say that could take back all of the pain and trauma he had experienced in such a short period of time.

"H-h-how did you get in?" Sasuke managed out after minutes of crying.

He clung to his friend and kept his face buried in his chest looking for security he was sure he could never find again.

"The door was unlocked…Do you want to tell me the rest?…You don't have to…I know this has to be really….Fuck…" Naruto whispered unable to find words to express how much pain his friend must be going through.

"Y-yeah…She told me she didn't love the baby…That she only kept it for the time she did because it made me happy…She ne-ne-never loved me either…She decided she didn't want a baby…She wanted to go to clubs and flirt and not worry…I loved her Naruto…I really, really loved her…" He continued to sob as his body shook more.

"I know you did…Everybody knows how much you loved her. Do you know where she went to?"

"I don't fucking know…She probably was cheating on me the whole time…Fuck I'm a fucking idiot…I trusted her…I gave her everything…"

"I know you did…You deserve so much better than that…I can't imagine what you feel right now…Why didn't you answer the phone and tell me?"

"I didn't want to…I just wanted to be alone…I don't even know if I want to live anymore." He whispered, his voice was shaking and frightened.

Naruto pulled back placing his hands on either side of his face and looking deeply into his eyes.

"Don't say that." He said sternly looking at his friend with concern and fear.

Never in his life had he heard Sasuke say that. He never wanted to hear him say that, because he knew that it wasn't just a threat it was a promise which made it more terrifying.

"It's true! What do I have?" Sasuke snapped feeling a bit of anger build up inside of him.

He searched Naruto's eyes waiting for a reply there was none. He slapped his friend's hands away and stumbled to his feet balancing himself against the counter. Naruto sat on the floor and looked up at him stunned.

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to hit you…I'm just…I…I don't know right now.." He whispered averting his eyes.

"You don't have to explain…It's alright…You should really clean those cuts." Naruto whispered as he stood wrapping his arms around his friend again.

He expected him to pull away again, but he just fell against his body and held onto him tightly like his life depended on him and maybe it did.

"Are these the only two parts you destroyed?" Naruto joked darkly.

"That I remember…The bathroom is kind of fucked up…"

"Is the shower still working?"

"Y-yeah."

Naruto hooked his arm around Sasuke's waist and steadied him as he lead him through the messed remains of his home and back into the bathroom. They stopped in the doorway and looked around the room. It really wasn't that bad at all minus the bloody pile of clothing on the floor, the blood stains on the walls and floor and sink, and then the shards of glass littering the bowl of the sink. Naruto lead Sasuke over to the toilet and sat him down while he went through the cabinets looking for something to clean the wounds with.

"Can you remove your shirt?" Naruto asked, his voice was caring and gentle.

Sasuke had never seen his friend so determined with taking care of him before, but the state he was in right now was one where he could barely do the simplest of things from severe physical pain and a missing mental state. He grasped the hem of his shirt and slowly lifted it up his body and over his head tossing the bloody article of clothing to the floor. He looked down at his body and his eyes went wide as he looked at the fields of cuts, bruises, and blotches upon his pale flesh.

"Shit" He muttered lightly running his martyred fingers across his stomach.

"Whoa.."

Naruto looked over his friend's body sharing the same look of startled shock.

He grabbed out a bottle of disinfectant and some gauze, he knelt down in front of his friend not taking his eyes off of the scars.

"How did all of those happen?"

"All the glass that I broke and laid in yesterday…I cleaned once…But then I passed out and I just didn't…."

Naruto nodded his head slowly as if he understood, but most likely he just didn't want to pressure his already traumatized friend into explaining more than he really needed to. Naruto poured some of the disinfectant into a cloth and pressed it against his friend's body. Sasuke cringed away hitting his back against the back of the toilet, he hissed at the stinging pain of the alcohol bleeding into his opened wounds.

"Sorry…Sorry…" Naruto repeated over and over.

"It's okay just burns…A lot." He mumbled as he took a deep breath.

After a couple of seconds Naruto went back to cleaning the cuts scattered upon his friend's thin and sickly looking frame. It was strange how just a day or two ago when he last saw Sasuke he was healthy and happy and had everything he could want in his life and now he was frail, paler than usual, and had nothing to look forward to in his future. He had lots to live fore just he couldn't see the reasons at the moment, right now his mind was fogged with grief and depression and hatred towards everything around him.

"Do you think she did it because it was mine?" Sasuke asked breaking the growing silence between the two of them.

"What do you mean?" Naruto asked as he wrapped the gauze around Sasuke's torso going from his chest down to his waist.

"She didn't love the baby and she doesn't love me….She killed it because it was mine…If it was anybody else's baby she would have loved it…" He whispered softly.

Naruto felt for his friend and what he was going through and God only knew what he was going through. He wanted to tell his friend something comforting to tell him that no matter who it was Sakura would have terminated the pregnancy either way, but he couldn't because he knew that maybe Sasuke was right and he hated that he was right. He didn't like that the depressing statement made was the truth, the awful and hideous truth. He just opted to stay quiet and give Sasuke a sad smile hoping that it would pass.

He looked at his surroundings and felt as if he was in a slaughter house. He needed to get Sasuke out of there for many reasons for mental and physical.

"Stay here. I'm going to pack some of your clothes for you and then you're going to stay with me for awhile. I'm going to call and see if I can get repairs done on your house." Naruto said getting to his feet.

"You don't have to"

"Yes I do I really don't feel safe leaving you alone right now…I just wouldn't feel right doing that to you." He said as he left the room leaving no option to argue the arrangement.

Sasuke leaned back and closed his eyes thinking over everything. It all seemed to play like a movie that was being fast forwarded, wasn't it only mere minutes ago that he was happy? Now he was sitting in his blood stained bathroom listening as his best friend went through and packed up all of his clothing to help him move into his home. It was odd how it was working and he wanted to just open his eyes and find himself in bed next to his lover of so many years. No that was never to happen again, he was alone now and probably meant to stay that way.

"Here's a shirt for you to wear."

Sasuke opened his eyes and caught the shirt that Naruto tossed at him, he pulled it over his head. It was big on him, but he could really have cared less. He stood slowly on shaking legs and touched his way along the wall for support until Naruto took his hand and led him from the room and out of the house.

The big house was nicer than Sasuke's home was. Especially compared to the state of his home at the moment, right now it was merely nothing, but a disaster site. Sasuke looked around the living room of the home with the beige walls and the faux brown leather couch and nice paintings hanging upon the walls. He had been in Naruto's home before, but not for a good few months and that was before it had been re-designed. His friend had exquisite taste when it came to nearly about everything and Sasuke could always appreciate him for it.

"Do you like it?" Naruto asked.

He took Sasuke's bags over and sat them beside of the couch and then turned and gave his friend a shy smile as he pushed hair from his face.

"It's divine." He whispered giving his best attempt at a smile which wasn't much at all.

He felt empty and cold on the inside, but he knew that if he wanted his friend to believe that he was entering a healthy state of mind that he would have to feign happiness. He walked over to the couch and sat down laying his head back against the soft and worn material. He closed his eyes and tried to relax his muscles which were tense and had been tense for over a day now, his neck was tight and stinging with pain and his head was throbbing. He knew he'd end up going to see his doctor and faking a normal mental state to avoid suggestions of counseling just so he could get some muscle relaxants and pain killers.

He reached up and rubbed roughly at his neck cringing at the feeling of his rough skin against his neck. His hands felt disgusting and he didn't even dare look at them, every time that he did he just thought of all the objects he had slammed them into and the reason why he had slammed them into those objects in the first place.

"You okay?" Naruto asked sitting down next to his friend.

He looked at him with concern silently asking if there was anything he could do to help. Sasuke almost wanted to either laugh or yell and tell him that was the stupidest question he could ever ask at the moment. 'Are you okay?' the question seemed obscenely inappropriate at the moment with the circumstances of Sasuke's mental and physical state. Apparently his silence and possibly even the way that he was looking at his friend made him un-easy and quickly regret asking such a simple question.

"I mean your neck…Does it hurt?" He changed and corrected his question quickly to avoid another backlash.

"Everything hurts…Just need to go see the doctor…Pain killers or some shit." He sighed.

If the pain went away then he would have no way of knowing if he was alive or not. As long as he was feeling pain then he knew he was feeling something and that it was a sign of life, but without it he knew that he could just be dead and carrying around an empty vessel.

"I'll take you there tomorrow if you like." Naruto offered kindly.

Sasuke looked at his friend feeling love for him, he loved Naruto and always would. He had plenty of close friends, but Naruto was different. He was always there for him and always knew when to do something and when not to do something. He admired him for that and the fact he just let Sasuke into his home without a second thought.

"Thanks…You don't have to…Aren't you still dating that one guy…Gaara?" Sasuke asked searching for the name and a reason to change the subject away from himself.

"No…He stopped seeing me a while ago." Naruto sighed looking down sadly for a moment.

Sasuke felt bad for asking and wished that he wasn't so wrapped up in his own life that he would have known that already. He didn't know much about Gaara honestly; he had only met the guy one time and had to admit that he was a good bit on the attractive side. He didn't seem completely right though, but it was Naruto's decision and Naruto always did what he knew or thought was best.

"I'm sorry…I didn't know…Why didn't you tell me?"

"You had your own stuff going on and it didn't seem hella important." He shrugged it off.

He picked away at the black nail polish that coated his pinky. A habit that he always kept up when he was nervous.

"When do you want to tell the others about Sakura?" Naruto asked just barely looking up at the other man.

"I don't know…Could tell them tomorrow…Maybe…They have to know eventually about it."

"I still can't believe it…She seemed so perfect for you."

"Yeah she did…I can't imagine anybody else…"

Sasuke leaned his head back and closed his eyes again. He liked being able to close his eyes and see nothing but darkness it gave him a comforting feeling that whenever he wanted to he could shut out the outside world and go into his own world that consisted of nothing but cold and dark. He felt so tired and his body felt heavy like he was dragging around dead weight and maybe that's all that he was now. Dead weight. He felt like he had no use the uses that he thought he could have were ripped from him and now he felt nothing. His mind started to wander which was never good it always lead to bad things that he didn't want to think of. He thought about the dream that he had had. The one that caused him more and more waves of stomach churning fear and nausea, he hated his biology teacher from years ago making them watch that film on abortions. Hell he hated that man for every death film they ever had to sit through just to pass the damned class.

He never knew why he studied science and psychology, he could practice it if he wanted. He didn't want to though even then after he ended his high school punk band to pursue his college goals he never planned on doing anything with his degree it was only to sit and gather dust in the box that sat in the back of his closet. He wanted to be a musician and possibly even a clothing designer, those were his two passions. God how pissed off his step father was when Sasuke told them he wasn't going to get a real job, he was going to live in a shitty apartment way back in the projects and re-start his punk rock band. His mother just smiled and pretended she supported him while his step-father screamed and threatened him reminding him of how useless he was.

He broke things that night too. When he got back to his shitty little one room apartment and smashed everything in site. He took a switchblade knife that he kept and stabbed and sliced up his mattress and bedroom walls. He just threw a blanket over the mattress and put posters up over the stab holes in the wall. Especially when they were there filming the band's first video for 'He who laughs last'. Last thing he needed people asking was if he was psychotically dangerous because he would have to think over that question before giving an answer and by then people would just assume yes he was dangerous. To himself only though…Well minus a few people here and there who he got into fights with.

One time he got sent to the emergency room because of a fight that happened during one of the band's concerts. Some big biker guy in the crowd threw a broken beer bottle at Naruto and it hit him in the face cutting up his cheek, the guy started calling him a faggot and a thousand other obscene slurs. Naruto brushed it off and did nothing, but Sasuke lost his fucking mind. The three bouncers couldn't come close to holding him back as he started hitting and kicking and biting the guy, the fight ended with Sasuke breaking his nose, his fingers, and his leg. The guy amazingly enough though ended up worse nearly losing an eye.

He felt a warm body press against his side and hot breath against his neck. He opened his eyes and looked down to see Naruto curled up against him with his arm draped across his body. He smiled softly at his friend noticing that he was either asleep or trying to end up that way. Sasuke protected him so many times back then. He always felt that he had to especially with Naruto being gay and letting people give him Hell for it. Times had changed though Naruto would get cocky and get into a fight with somebody twelve times his body mass and end up hurt, Sasuke always had to intervene during the fights. He couldn't understand why people couldn't just see his friend's beauty.

Sasuke stretched his legs out and winced at the small but sharp sting of burning pain that shot up through them. He would be sore fro the rest of his life. He knew that was a major possibility. Fuck his doctor was going to love seeing him in the morning with his battered in face and body and his completely gone state of mind. Yep he was definitely fill me full of pills central at the moment. He sighed and pushed the thought from his mind. He'd worry about it in the morning. Right now though he felt exhausted and as if he couldn't keep himself from sleep even though he didn't want it to come.

He looked at Naruto for a second or two then closed his eyes again. Fuck it. He would go to sleep and if he had nightmares he'd force himself awake and hopefully not go running for the toilet like he usually did after that dream. It didn't take him long falling asleep with the comforting feel of having another human being so close to him.


	4. Chapter 4

Sasuke rolled over tossing his arm out across the bed which startled him awake. He opened one eye and squinted against the light that poured in from the window, he was in one of the guest bedrooms in Naruto's house. He knew that he fell asleep on the couch so that meant Naruto carried him to the bedroom. He sat up and rubbed his hands over his face groaning. He still felt like shit, but if he went to the doctor's then they'd give him something to dull the pain. He crawled out of bed and made his way into the living room where Naruto sat on the couch flipping through the TV channels with a mindless look on his face.

That was a good part of the reason Sasuke dejected television, yes he had owned one before he massacred it in his fit of anger, but that was only because Sakura and every other human being told him he had to get one or else there was something wrong with him. He should have just forgot the TV and told everybody that he was out of his fucking mind and didn't need to kill his brain cells by watching television.

He sat down in the chair that sat to the left of the couch and looked down at the coffee table. He wasn't sure what to say. He all the sudden felt awkward. He had a complete and total emotional and mental breakdown for several days and at the moment he felt sore. He wasn't sure how it was that he felt emotionally. He opted to look at his fingernails then regretted the decision. Generally they were painted some color from his rainbow of a nail polish collection, but they weren't at the moment. They were colorless except for the blood stains underneath of them, one nail was chipped down to the skin and was bright red. He looked over his knuckles to see that they were ripped open and bloody red with scars and scabs that would last him a lifetime. He'd have to cover his hands up before he went to see his doctor, last time he went to see his doctor with some sort of suspicious injury he felt like he was being judged and studied the whole time. Maybe it was just his paranoia speaking though.

"When and how did you get me into bed last night?" Sasuke asked.

He was shocked by the question leaving his mouth. He wasn't even thinking about that and didn't have any control over the words coming from his mouth. Naruto turned his head from the TV looking at his friend like he didn't even know before that moment that he was even in the room and then a sly smile spread across his face.

"Around like twelve and I carried you…Not dragged you on the ground, but actually picked you up carried you." He said proudly.

"When in Hell can you carry me?"

Out of the band Naruto was scrawny. Him and Sasuke play fought one day a couple years ago and Naruto tried to pick him up the result was absolutely nothing, but Naruto getting frustrated and flipping off his friend before walking off.

"I don't know. You don't really weigh that much, when was the last time that you ate something?"

Sasuke looked at him and thought over the question. He always knew that if you had to think about something like that at all then that was a very bad thing.

"Okay shouldn't take that long to think about that one. You really need to eat something." Naruto said getting up from the couch and walking towards the kitchen.

Sasuke turned and looked at him curiously. He hated that Naruto felt that he had to take care of him, yeah it was a sort of a 50/50 with them. Sometimes Sasuke would protect Naruto and then others Naruto protected Sasuke, but it always made him feel bad. Mostly because of why his friend felt the need to take care of him.

"What are you doing?"

"Fixing you something to eat."

"I'm not hungry…Stomach hurts."

"Because you haven't eaten anything."

Sasuke sighed and slid down in the chair not feeling in anywhere near the mood to argue his friend. It made him feel like he was visiting his mom, he loved her beyond words, but it irritated him how she would try to get him to eat foods with cheese in them and tell him that he didn't eat enough and that he didn't go outside enough and that he was too pale. He knew she was his mother and had reasons to be that way, but Naruto was his best friend and acting motherly was slightly irritating and strange, but also in a weird way really cute.

He glanced at the TV screen to see that Naruto was watching the Hills, he quirked his eyebrow and smiled a little. He never knew that Naruto liked watching supposed reality shows that everybody in the world with half a mind knew were beyond the words of badly acted. He laid his head back and stared up at the ceiling and tried to make himself think about something. He could already smell food cooking in the kitchen, he didn't really care what it was he knew he would eat some of it, but not that much of it. He wasn't hungry…well he was, but the idea of eating made him angry with himself. He wasn't sure why. It wasn't a weight thing for him it was just anger towards himself if he did anything that was good for him or something that he enjoyed. He'd have to eat something though or else Naruto would completely freak out over it.

"When do you want me to take you to the doctor's?" Naruto asked breaking Sasuke's random thoughts.

"I don't know probably in an hour or two." He shrugged.

He really didn't care. He thought about the doctor thing and the hospital thing which lead to the abortion thing and that lead right to those God awful images of his son being aborted and his girlfriend and the doctors and nurses not giving a damn that they were killing a living being. He hated them all for that and it made him not really want to see a doctor because he knew how cold they were about everything. Life meant jack shit to them and they could take it and tell you that you were going to lose it without a care. That was a reason he couldn't be a doctor. He knew that every time something bad happened to a child or to somebody he knew he wouldn't be able to handle it. It was almost like being a cop or a preacher it stood for so many things that he was strongly against and he didn't want a damned thing to do with any of it.

He wondered if Sakura did have another man the whole time. If she didn't really love him all of those years then she must have. He couldn't imagine her staying with just and only him for all of those years and not caring about him. He wondered how many men she had been with all of those years and if they used protection. He wondered maybe if the baby wasn't his, but he knew that it had to have been. That was a stupid thought or at least he continued to tell himself that it was. He would have known if she cheated. She would have told him and usually at some point you find out because the other person fucks up and their side lover calls the house and is caught. He knew things like that from childhood experience. So many times women called the house looking for his step-father but his mother would answer and start yelling and crying.

"Alright food and you better eat some of it." Naruto said sternly as he sat a plate down on the table.

Sasuke opened his eyes and looked down at it. It was mostly vegetables, he could do that. He normally never had to force himself to eat, usually he over ate and then got mad at himself for it and forced himself to go to the gym several times a day for the next two months. He picked the plate up and started to eat, he looked up to see Naruto sitting on the couch staring at him almost like he didn't trust him.

"What?"

"Nothing just…Weird I guess.." Naruto muttered scratching the back of his head.

Sasuke wondered over the list of events and possibilities of what could be 'weird' and every single part of the past three days could be on that list.

"What's weird?"

"Sakura doing that…I can't believe she could do that…I mean how can a woman be pregnant and not think of anything positive towards their child?"

Sasuke thought the same question, but he did know there were also a million reasons to why a woman could be that way.

"Maybe it wasn't mine…."

Naruto's eyes widened and he shook his head in disbelief.

"Why do you think that?" He asked shocked.

"She said she didn't love me so maybe she was cheating on me all those years."

"I doubt it, there is no way that she would. Didn't you guys make sure that it was your child?"

"No. There didn't seem to be any reason to do that, but she told me when she dumped me that it was mine…So maybe it was…I don't know I just want to disassociate myself from the whole fucking thing." He said feeling aggravated.

"Yeah I don't blame you…Still wished that you called one of us up when it happened."

"Wasn't really in a talking mood that night…Was more in the killing everything in my house and throwing up a hundred times mood." He snapped back and regretted it when he saw his friend avert his eyes.  
"Fuck. Naruto I'm sorry…I don't know what's wrong with me." He said making sure that his tone was more calm and casual sounding.

"It's okay…You've been through a lot, I shouldn't ask so much shit." He replied shrugging it off.

He knew that he was still hurt, but he didn't feel like apologizing to Naruto again. They both knew that he was sorry for snapping at him like that which had been happening too often.

"I should bandage up my hands so I can go see my doctor about some pain medications." Sasuke said setting the plate on the table and looking over his hands.

He turned and left the room going to the bathroom. He looked around the clean and nicely made up bathroom and thought back to his own that looked like a scene from the movie Silent Hill…Who the fuck was he kidding his whole house looked like that damned movie. He doubted that he would ever move back there again. It could be torched down for all that he cared.

He went through the cabinets moving bottles and cans till he found a box with gauze in it. He took a roll out and started to wrap his hands up tightly to make sure that they wouldn't be loose and come off at some point. He didn't want to see his hands for quite a while.

He finished and left the room, grabbed his shoes from the bedroom then went back to the living room to find Naruto sitting on the couch and staring at the TV again.

"Alright I'm ready." Sasuke sighed running a bandaged hand back through his matted hair.

Naruto stood from the couch and looked over the other man for a few seconds, Sasuke raised an eyebrow in question. He wondered exactly why his friend was looking at him…Well not why he was, but why he was looking at him so closely like he was trying to figure something out.

"What's wrong?" Sasuke asked gently.

Naruto's head snapped up and he began to blush. He grabbed his keys from the table and headed towards the door opening it for Sasuke.

"N-nothing just zoned out for a second." He stuttered laughing nervously.

Sasuke shrugged it off and walked out into the cold morning air.

Sasuke sat in the tiny waiting room. Naruto sat beside of him looking up at the small television set that hung on the wall, there was one of those judge shows on. Sasuke didn't know which one there seemed to be so many of those on anymore.

"You didn't have to come here with me." Sasuke pointed out drawing his friend's attention from the television set.

"I know, but I wanted to come in here with you. Just in case you needed me for something." He said giving a small smile.

"Thanks, but I really doubt they'll ask you anything…Just don't tell the doctor anything that will make him want to give me pills for mental health issues." Sasuke said rolling his eyes.

A woman a couple seats from him started to cough violently and he looked over at her then looked away quickly. He always found it amazing that a place that meant getting healthy could make you oh so ill oh so quickly.

"I won't. Besides mostly here just to make sure that you really are okay…Physically I mean." He said softly averting his eyes to the floor.

Sasuke leaned his head on Naruto's shoulder. He liked being able to touch another human being even if it was only friendly touches with his best friend. He loved that Naruto was always there for him even when he didn't really think that he needed him. He smiled to himself when Naruto placed a gentle kiss on the top of his head and placed his hand over Sasuke's.

"How have you been feeling?" He asked quietly.

"I don't know….Numb I guess…Just don't feel like I belong here anymore." Sasuke whispered so quietly that he wasn't quite sure that Naruto could hear him.

"I understand and you're wrong you belong more than you'll ever know." He whispered in reply running his fingers through his friend's dark locks of hair.

"Sasuke Uchiha." A woman called from the doorway.

Sasuke sighed and stood up with Naruto right beside of him holding his hand. It wasn't anything severe. It was just some neck and head pains that he would get pain killers for. He wasn't sure why the two of them were treating it like some severe disease that meant life or death. Well his mental stability at the moment could mean that.

They followed the nurse into one of the small rooms that was nothing but white and a very light pale blue that gave the room a bad attempt at a 'happy' feel. He sat down in one of the blue chairs and looked at the pictures of sail boats and a couple of doctor degrees to show that the doctor was certified.

"How many times have you been here?" Naruto asked not looking up from his hands which he kept fumbling around with on his lap.

"Ah shit….Couple of years ago, that was only cause I pulled my leg on stage."

"Oh yeah I remember that….So you almost are completely not accident prone anymore." Naruto said smiling.

"Yeah you and Kiba get damaged more lately than I have for ages…Except that period with the 'monster'." He said sighing.

He still remembered that. He hated that thing whatever the hell that it was. He remembered always beating the shit out of his band mates offstage because they didn't really believe him or take the 'monster' as seriously as he did. He remembered Kiba telling him he was a delusional queen followed by Sasuke knocking him on his ass and biting him. He had the worse temper when he was younger, never mind he still sort of had a God awful temper even being an older age now.

"Hello Sasuke."

Sasuke looked up to see his doctor walk into the room. He was a middle aged man going bald near the back and always wore these wire framed glasses that were fogged over. He smiled up at him and nodded.

"So what seems to be the trouble?"

"My neck and head are killing me." Sasuke said rubbing at his neck.

"I see…How long now?"

"Uh like two or three days. I think it's a migraine or something." He said shrugging.

He didn't really feel like talking, he only felt like getting a prescription and getting the Hell out of there so he could sit on the couch with Naruto and ignore everything in his life.

"I see…How severe is the pain?"

"Feels like I got shot in the head."

"I see…Well I'll write you out a couple of prescriptions. One is a muscle relaxant you take before bed every night and the other is a pain killer that you take whenever the pain is bothering you." He said scribbling some words and numbers down on a piece of paper.

He handed it to Sasuke and gave Sasuke and Naruto a glance before getting up and walking out of the room.

Sasuke leaned his head back against the wall sighing with relief. He hated being put on medications, but he was glad that being there only took a few minutes and there weren't many questions what so ever. He smiled when he felt Naruto place his hand over his.

"That was quick." Naruto said before standing up and stretching.

"No shit…Let's get the fuck out of here, we can drop the prescriptions off tomorrow. I just feel like going to your house right now." Sasuke said standing and opening the door.

"It's your house too you know." Naruto corrected.

"No not really my house is that pit of broken glass and blood….Well I'll probably spend half my cash getting it fixed up just so I can sell it to somebody else. I'll move into an apartment eventually."

"How long have you had that planned?" Naruto asked laughing.

"Just now…You don't mind me staying with you for a few months right?"

"Stay as long as you want."

The two walked through the tiny waiting room careful to keep from touching anything or anybody. Sasuke felt like he was in some horror movie where everybody in the world had this flesh eating virus and if you came into contact with one of the victims you would get it next and die in mere seconds. He knew it was all part of his high risk area of paranoia and the fact that he watched way too many horror movies in his twenty-six years of life.

He let out the breath that he had been holding and took in the cold morning air when they exited the building and stood outside. They made their way through the rows and rows of cars finally finding where they had parked at and got in.

"So home or pharmacy?" Naruto asked starting up the car.

"Home…Really don't want to be out much longer." He said laying his head back against the headrest.

He felt anti-social. Massively anti-social like the times he did years ago as a teenager and when he was much younger and forced into going to a Catholic school. He still shivered remembering that place and how that one day he chose to rebel in just a small way by wearing black nail polish and he got shoved in a closet and locked in there for two hours. He was amazed that he wasn't claustrophobic from the whole experience, but he had a passionate hate for anything religious because of it all. So many of his song lyrics were inspired by his hate from mainstream religion and the fear that it instilled in people. He swore that the next person to say 'it isn't Adam and Steve it's Adam and Ever' or 'The world will end in 2012' he was going to punch in the face.

"What are you thinking about?"

Sasuke opened one eye and glanced over at his friend then shrugged.

"People" He muttered closing his eye and going back to his thoughts again.

"What about them?"

Sasuke smiled bemused and stretched his legs sighing before he answered. Naruto was in a talking mood most likely because the silence was growing awkward and strange for them both.

"How they're pathetic and lie and will be callous to everything. I don't even feel like I'm one of them sometimes. I feel like I'm some sort of a creature."

"Why do you feel that way? You've said that since we were in college." Naruto asked curiously.

He did share nearly everything with his friends and fans and especially Naruto, but there were things that nobody knew. Either because he felt that they wouldn't take it right and no longer like him for what he thought and believed and even did or that they would just think he was crazy and stupid.

"I don't believe in their God or their Devil. I hate everything about the government and we both know how much I fucking hate cops. I can't take a life easily like most people can, I don't think money is even remotely that important. Plus the fact that I wear as much makeup as a fucking drag queen." He said laughing dryly.

"You aren't a creature Sasuke…You're different."

Sasuke laughed again. He'd always been told that he was different, but it was usually meant in the way the he was stupid or strange as all Hell and back.

"Right different." He said rolling his eyes.

"I mean it in the good way. You're an amazing and gorgeous person and anybody that can't see that is a fucking dumb ass. There is nothing wrong with you, trust me." He said smiling reassuringly.

"Thanks"

What Naruto said made him feel a little better about himself, but only a little. That wasn't enough to change a lot of the morbid thoughts that passed through his mind or the fact that he would have to tell the rest of his friends and his family about what happened with Sakura. He'd just tell his mom over the phone, he really didn't want to drive to Berkley just to see her get upset and cry and for her to see him doing the same. He knew Naruto and maybe the others would gladly go with him for support, but it wouldn't change a thing about how alone he would feel. He'd always feel alone. He had friends and family, but not his own family like he had planned on starting. He almost had it, he was so close to having it, but it was ripped away from him in just a couple of seconds.

Maybe he'd tell his band mates tomorrow or something like that. He didn't really feel like bothering them with dramatic shit quickly. None of them enjoyed drama they were too laid back to really pay attention to it, but they always managed to bring people into their lives they seemed to only be capable of living off of drama. Sasuke remembered one girl he had dated a couple of years before Sakura. She was the crowning definition of a drama queen, she would throw a chick flick dying scene in the middle of a restaurant over absolutely nothing and manage to get the both of them kicked out. He had to break it off before they were banned from every food place in the state of California. She over reacted to the break up of course. She told everybody in school that he was psychotic and abusive and had raped her, but then went bipolar with her little horror stories and turned them into how much she loved him and couldn't live without him. Finally people decided she was mental and they didn't believe anything that she said from that point on.

He wondered what happened to that girl anyways. She probably met a guy that acted in a soap opera and they probably got married so they could live a real life version of the show 'Days of our Lives'. He wished he just gave up women after her, but no he found Sakura and with that could have sworn he found himself in her.

"Sasuke we're home." Naruto said waving his hand in front of his friend's face trying to draw his attention.

"Oh" Sasuke said opening the car door and getting out slowly.

His legs felt weak and he placed his hand on the hood of the car for support hoping that he wouldn't fall.

"You okay?"

Sasuke looked over at his friend and rolled his eyes as he walked up to the house and stood leaning back against the wall and waited for Naruto to un-lock the door. He knew his friend was concerned, but they both knew that he wasn't 'okay' he was so beyond that word. There wasn't really a word for how he felt and how miserable he felt. Maybe he was being over dramatic about the whole thing and maybe he should have been over it by now and maybe that was another thing that made him different from the rest of the world.

Naruto un-locked the door and let Sasuke in first. Sasuke walked over to the couch and sat down laying his head back and staring at the ceiling. He felt like all he had been doing for the past several days was sitting and laying down. At least he hadn't broken anything and at least his doctor had not noticed the bandages on his hand or the marks on his face. If he did then he must have thought nothing of them. Sasuke felt Naruto wrap his arm around him pulling him close to him, he leaned against his friend searching for comfort.

"Better?"

"Yeah" Sasuke replied burying his head in his friend's chest.

"When do you want to tell the others about what happened? I could tell them if you don't feel like it." He asked as he rubbed his hand soothingly up and down Sasuke's back.

"Maybe tomorrow…In a week…I don't know…I really don't know…I can handle telling the guys, but my mom and my brother…God…I really don't want to tell them." He groaned feeling like he could cry.

"You have to tell them eventually, the sooner you do it the quicker it'll be done."

"I know…I think I'll just call mom then you can get the guys to come over and I'll tell them…That way I can have one emotional breakdown then wait an hour for another one."

"I can tell the guys if you really don't want to." Naruto suggested.

"No…You guys are like my other family…I really should tell the others myself about it, it wouldn't feel right if I didn't." He said sternly.

He was determined to compose himself long enough to break awful news to everybody that he knew. Yes he would call his mom early in the morning probably even before Naruto would be awake and then they could call over the guys and by then Sasuke would be composed enough to say what happened again. It was a good plan and seemed easy, but emotionally it would tear him up. He looked down at the prescription paper that he still held in his hand and knew he would need medications tomorrow after all the bad news he would be spreading.

"Do you want me to get that filled for you?" Naruto asked looking down at the piece of paper.

"You don't have to, I'll do it later."

"No I can, you can stay here and relax. It only takes about thirty minutes or something." Naruto said kissing his friend on the top of the head and taking the paper from him.

Sasuke sat up not really wanting to move from the warmth of Naruto's body. Naruto stood from the couch grabbing up his car keys again and heading for the door.

"I'll be back okay?" He said giving Sasuke a slightly worried glance before walking out the door.

"Okay…I might take a shower or something." Sasuke said stretching tiredly.

Naruto smiled and walked out the door closing it behind him. Sasuke slowly stood from the couch and made his way back to the guest room where his belongings were. He went through his suitcase and pulled out a pair of pants and a t-shirt that had holes around the collar of it from being worn for so many years. He walked into the bathroom and turned the hot water on in the shower watching as the spray of water pounded out against the floor of the bath tub. He gave a side glance at the mirror that hung upon the wall and then thought better of it rather quickly, if he looked at himself again he would freak out. He touched his hand to his cheek and ran his fingers lightly across the long cut there. He wondered how long his body would be scarred for. Probably forever and people would ask, yes he could cover up with makeup and maybe a few more tattoos, but he didn't really want to.

He shed the clothes that he wore and stepped slowly into the tub and stood under the spray of water arching his back as the heat of it pounded against his sensitive skin. He then leaned into it letting the water run over his head and body closing his eyes and relaxing. He could feel the majority of his muscles begin to relax reminding him what comfort could truly feel like, his head and neck still throbbed but it dulled slight to a point where he could handle it better. He picked up the bar of soap and scrubbed over his body careful with the scars and keeping mind of the gauze wrapped around his hands. He washed over the cuts that scarred his torso, they were bright red still. He knew they weren't going to get infected if they kept getting treated. He also knew Naruto was hell bent on keeping him healthy.

He finished up and stepped out of the shower turning the water off as it began to run cold. He picked the towel up from the floor and ran his through his hair drying it enough. He stepped in front of the mirror despite the better part of his mind telling him that it was a bad idea. He looked at the man that starred back at him and wondered how he could look so terrible. 'Beautiful' Naruto told him that, he wondered how blind or good of a liar his friend was to be able to tell him that. He knew that he looked like shit, he looked like Death. He placed his hand up against the glass tracing his fingers over his reflection, he wasn't going to break the mirror. He refused to damage anything in Naruto's home, if it was his own then every piece of reflective glass would have been thrown away days ago.

He averted his eyes from his ragged reflection and began to dress in the clothes that he pulled from his suitcase. The jeans he pulled on were too big for him, he'd have to see if he had a belt with him that he could wear with them. He could have sworn the last time that he wore them they almost seemed too small. It was possible he'd drastically lost weight. He barely ate except for the meal that Naruto had fed him. He glanced up at his reflection once he had dressed and found it to not be as bad as when he was naked. He couldn't see the scars now. The ones on his arms were drastically covered by his tattoos. He was grateful for his beautiful works of art that took years to be finished. He still wanted more. He wasn't sure exactly what yet or where. Maybe his fingers and a couple more on his legs, maybe one on his left foot. He gathered his clothes off of the floor and left the room. He tossed his clothes into 'his' room and then made his way back into the living room where he lay on the couch staring up at the ceiling. He'd been doing several things a lot lately; staring at ceilings, sitting, and laying on the ground.

He wondered on how long he would live with Naruto for. He didn't want his friend to think that he had to take care of him. He hated that. It was bad enough when he would pity himself, but when his friends pitied him it was terrible. He knew they would be treating him differently once he told all of them what happened with him and Sakura. He groaned miserably at the thought. He had to go through with it though, he couldn't just keep them in the dark about what happened. Telling his mother would be the part that could kill him. He knew that one for sure. She loved Sakura once she got to know her and she was looking forward to grandchildren. He knew she wanted the best for her son and wanted for him to live normally and be happy. He felt like an asshole for fucking something so easy up. He hated himself for getting involved with a woman like Sakura and for trusting her so dearly. He hated himself for going on tour and leaving her alone if he didn't leave her alone then she wouldn't have had the chance to get an abortion.

He still hated how she did that without telling him a damned thing. Telling him that it was her decision and none of his business. Yes he understood it was growing inside of her, but it was also his child. He helped give it life and she took it away without any compassion or feeling. If she had any feeling about it, it was happiness and relief. He wanted to hurt her physically and emotionally like she hurt him when she said those words to him with no regret. He hoped to find it in her eyes, but he couldn't no matter how hard he tried. He wanted for her to beg forgiveness and say that she was sorry and tell him that she hated herself for aborting their son.

Son, their son. He couldn't believe that she could tell him that so coldly. He wanted a son so badly and now he would never have one, he'd never have a child in general. His chance was ripped from him. He sure as Hell lost all the trust he had that could get him into another relationship with another woman. He didn't want to give his heart and life to another human being and put trust and faith into them. Faith into another living being is like faith in religion. It's a waste of time and ends up with it crushed and torn away from you.

He kept trying to find where some point in their relationship where there were tell tale signs that she didn't want a child, but no matter how hard or how far back he thought he couldn't find any. He couldn't find a single fucking one. She told him all of the things that she dreamt of having and they were the same things that he wanted. Maybe she just told him those things to get with him and tell people she was with a musician. He knew women did that. He knew they loved the idea of being with a musician and he had been around users, but she seemed so different. She wasn't a massive fan of his band, she liked the music that they made, but she could have cared less. He didn't have a ton of money so it wasn't that. Maybe she was just a user in a general. He would never really know what she wanted with him or why she never told him she just loved him as a friend. She could have just told him that, he would have understood. Yes it would have hurt and broke his heart a good bit, but at least it would have saved him from the pain he felt at the moment.

He felt a hand on his side and jumped, he opened his eyes and everything was blurry. He wiped frantically at them and found that he had been crying. He looked over to see Naruto standing beside of the couch looking at him with a look of concern and sadness. He knew his friend wished that he could change things and take the pain away, but he couldn't.

"D-did you get the prescriptions?" Sasuke asked trying his best to compose himself.

He felt like an idiot that he had started crying and that he was still crying and Naruto saw him crying.

"Yeah, here." Naruto said handing him a small orange bottle.

Sasuke read over the label seeing he was only supposed to take one. If Naruto wasn't there he would have just dry swallowed the whole fucking bottle and killed himself with the way that he was feeling mentally. Naruto was there thought and he was scared that Naruto might notice he was having that thought. He took one out of the bottle and swallowed it, it hurt, but he really didn't care. He tossed the bottle onto the table and ran his hands over his face.

"You were thinking about her again weren't you?" Naruto asked softly.

He sat down beside him and wrapped his arms around his friend.

"I didn't want to, but I can't help it. I'm a fucking idiot for getting with her." He said cursing himself.

Naruto held him closer running his fingers through his damp black hair.

"No you aren't you just loved her and you gave her everything."

"That's what makes me a fucking idiot." Sasuke scolded with a slight edge to his voice.

He felt Naruto's body tense slightly and hated himself for being cruel to him again.

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to say that like that." He apologized quickly.

"It's okay I know…You've been through a lot. I just wish I could do more for you." Naruto whispered sadly.

"I know…I wish none of it happened." He sighed.

Naruto pulled away and lay down on the couch looking up at Sasuke.

"Come here." He said beckoning to the older man.

Sasuke smiled softly and lay down on top of Naruto resting his head on his chest listening to the steady sound of his heart beat.

"Everything will get better in time."

"Maybe."

"It will I swear to you." Naruto promised kissing his friend on the top of the head.

They lay together in silence eventually drifting off to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Sasuke stared at the black plastic phone that sat on the table before him. It was one in the morning and he was planning on calling his mother and telling her about the past few days. He didn't want to. He wanted to just go his life avoiding it. He knew it'd be impossible it was a very major event and he knew she had every single right to know about it. He picked up the receiver and stared at the numbers trying to force himself to dial in the number. He closed his eyes and jabbed in the phone number quickly and waited clutching and un-clutching his fingers around the receiver that he held tightly in his hand. He prayed he could just leave a message saying to call him back whenever she got the chance to and he hoped to whatever there was that his step-father would not answer the phone.

"Hello Sasuke why on Earth are you calling at this time?" His mother's voice sounded on the other end startling him.

He looked at the receiver in confusion. He had no clue how she knew it was him, it was Naruto's home phone and she didn't have caller ID.

"Mom how did you know it's me?" He asked slowly still confused and a bit freaked out.

She sighed then replied as if he should have already known her answer ahead of time.

"I have two sons. Both of them insomniacs that worry me to death because the both of you do dangerous things and getting a call at one in the morning you generally figure it is your son with the hard rock band and no good clue about what time it is." She said chastising him for a couple of minutes.

He was the more dangerous out of him and his older brother. Itachi did modeling which pissed off his step-dad a bit. He often ended up going to other countries for months and even years at the moment though he was back in California and in his two floor home.

"Right…Sorry about calling so early."

"I know now tell me what happened. You never get good news this early in the morning." She said sternly.

She was a strong woman and always cut to the point.

"It's about Sakura…We broke up." He sighed heavily.

"What? What do you mean you broke up? When did this happen?" She asked listing more questions before he could form an answer in his mind.

"Three days ago."

"And you didn't tell me?"

"I've been really busy okay…" He mumbled running his fingers back through his hair nervously.

His mother kept on rambling and chastising him about how he should tell her everything that went on the minute that it went on.

"Mom listen to me."

"What about the baby? Please tell me you didn't change your mind and throw that poor girl out because you discovered you aren't grown up enough to have a child of your own." His mother pleaded.

He felt like the knife in his heart had been twisted. Poor girl and him changing his mind because he wasn't mature enough. More of the other way around.

"I didn't throw her out because of that mom."

"Then what was it? Was she cheating on you? Did you cheat on her? Wait I know you wouldn't cheat if you even cheated and told me and if you didn't tell me and I found out I would shove my foot so far up your-"

"Mom!"

Silence on the other end which he was grateful for.

"I didn't cheat, as far as I know she didn't cheat, the baby was mine as far as I know, and it was about the baby, but not the reasons that you think."

"Then what was it? Did something happen? Is the baby alright?" She asked sounding worried just like he had before Sakura told him what she had done.

"Mom…There isn't going to be a baby…" He whispered.

He could feel himself start to cry and tried to hold on at least to finish the phone conversation.

"What? What do you mean?"

"She aborted the pregnancy."

He hated how that sounded. It sounded just the way Sakura had said it to him. Cold and uncaring as all fuck.

"Why? Did something happen?" She asked sounded scared and confused.

"No…The baby was healthy…She changed her mind…She aborted it while I wasn't home…She told me when I got back…I know I should have told you about it sooner but with what happened and then the house and with Naruto and just really bad timing." He said starting to feel himself lose control.

"Oh God…I can't believe she could do that to you…I can't believe her…How could she do that! To her own child." His mother yelled sounding disgusted by the idea.

"She told me it was a boy." He added on his voice was a small whisper and that one line was all that it took for him to break down crying.

"Oh God…Sasuke it's okay sweetie…I can't believe her…I know how much you wanted a family…So your staying with Naruto?" She asked.

He knew she was crying too, but she tried to sound strong about it.

"Y-yeah…I can't go back to the house."

"Why is there something wrong financially?"

"No…I k-ki-kind of destroyed it after she left…I'm just going to sell it after I fix it up." He said trying to compose himself a little bit.

"I'm so sorry baby…You know you can stay here if you want, I know you really should be with family right now." She said trying to comfort him the best that she could.

"No…I'm fine…Naruto said I can stay as long as I need to." He whispered biting at his bottom lip.

"I still can't believe her doing that…God…"

"I'm sorry mom."

"Why are you sorry for? She's the one that aborted the baby."

"I know you want grandchildren and for me to just have a normal life…I know you want me to be normal and happy…I fucked up."

"Baby no I want you to be happy and I do want grandchildren. You didn't mess up, okay? You just got with the wrong person." She said soothingly.

"I know…Naruto told me the same thing." He said laughing dryly.

"He's a very smart boy then. So are you, now I have to go call your brother unless you want to tell him."

"N-no I have to tell the guys today…You can call Itachi and tell him about it…"

"Are you sure you'll be fine?"

"Y-yeah I will mom."

"That's a good boy…I love you Sasuke…I'll call and talk to you later."

"I love you too mom." He said before hanging up.

He placed his hands over his face and let himself cry. He still felt like an asshole, he knew that he shouldn't, but he felt all of it was his fault. There was all the blame in the world to go towards Sakura for betraying him and lying to him all of those years, but he felt that he could have prevented all of it if he just saw her for what she really was the minute he saw her. He wasn't psychic though and he trusted the ones that always stabbed him in the back and always hurt the ones that he should have trusted all along. He hated himself and regretted all of the people that he never trusted that he should have, he hurt all of those people like the people he did trust hurt him. He still felt as if he had fucked up with his mother by telling her that she wouldn't get to see him happy the way that she wanted to. He knew it'd be a good while till he'd be able to tell his friends about what happened. He could usually handle bad news and stress it was a good part of his life, yes he avoided the majority of it, but there were still times he faced it and he took it all well. This though was completely different.

A light knocking sound made him look up to see Naruto standing in the doorway. He had his hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans and was smiling sadly at the other man. Sasuke wondered exactly how long he had been standing there and hoped only a minute or two.

"How much did you hear?" Sasuke asked.

He hoped that he could have formed the question better instead of just blurting it out like that.

"Over half the conversation." He said blushing embarrassed.

"Oh…Sorry that I woke you up." Sasuke said looking down at his hands which were tear stained.

"It's okay…I've been up for a few hours now…Only slept a little bit…How are you feeling?"

Sasuke looked up at the other man and thought over the question. He hated that he had to really thoroughly think over how he was feeling. It should have been something that he just knew.

"I don't know….Feel like shit….Feel like I let my mom down…Feel like a fucking idiot."

"You shouldn't feel that way, it wasn't your fault." Naruto said walking over to the bed and sitting down by him.

"I could have stopped it…If I just never went out with Sakura then none of this would have fucking happened."

"You didn't know what she would turn out like." Naruto said trying to comfort his friend.

They both know that he couldn't.

"I should have though…I should have known when I trust someone they're only going to fuck me over." He said scolding himself.

"Do you regret trusting me?" Naruto asked, his voice was soft and nervous.

Sasuke hated himself for saying what he said, he could have at least said it differently. He looked over at his friend to see that he looked hurt.

"Naruto…" He started not really sure what there was to say.

"I'm sorry…I know this isn't about me…I just don't want to lose you."

"Don't…I didn't mean it like that. You are one of the few people that I can really trust. You know that, I could never regret trusting you." Sasuke said gently caressing the other man's cheek.

Naruto leaned into the touch closing his eyes.

"I trust you too….What do you want to do today?"

"Well at some point I have to tell everybody else about what happened." Sasuke sighed.

He lay back on the bed groaning at the idea of telling everybody what happened and how he constantly considered just ending his life so that way he could take away the misery and pain. It was slightly less stress now that his mother knew what had happened, he knew he should go and see her soon, but he really wasn't ready to face that yet.

"You don't have to tell them today." Naruto suggested as he lay down beside the other man.

"True, but if I don't then it's another thing I'm going to stress about and I already have enough of that." He said rubbing his hand over his forehead.

He hated stress and he hated Sakura for making him stressed. It was only several months ago that he was happy and excited because of her. In just three days he was stressed and suicidal all because of her.

"Yeah guess so…I'll tell them about it if you really don't want to." Naruto offered taking hold of his friend's hand.

"Thanks, but it'll be really stupid if I don't do it." Sasuke said sighing.

He looked over when he felt Naruto tracing his fingers along his arm, he looked as the younger man looked closely at his arm most likely starting to notice the vast array of scars.

"I didn't know you had this many." He whispered tracing his finger along one of the longer ones.

"More on the other arm…My back…And yeah you've seen the rest of them." Sasuke said pulling his arm away.

He reached up and felt along the scar on his cheek. He hated that one the most since it was beyond noticeable. He would be making up a lot of stories and excuses for the origin of the long cut. He was grateful that he could lie quite well when he really needed to.

"They'll heal don't worry about it."

Sasuke looked at the younger man and smiled slightly.

"I know….Guess I should shower and you should tell everybody to come here and that kind of shit." Sasuke muttered running his fingers through his hair nervously.

Naruto caressed his cheek softly then leaned in and kissed him quickly on the lips.

"I'll go start making calls." Naruto said getting up from the bed and leaving the room.

Sasuke sat up and placed his fingers on his lips. Naruto had kissed him before and it always was friendly that kiss was like all of the other ones before, but it felt different. He wasn't sure how it just made him feel…Different. He shook the thought off quickly before it could form into things that were un-rational and grabbed some clothes as he headed to the bathroom to take a shower.

Sasuke sat on the couch and listened to Naruto as he talked on the phone telling his brother Kyubbi to come over. He'd already called the others and they said that they could be over in a few minutes. Sasuke dreaded this, he felt like it was one of the hardest things he ever had to do in his life. He knew it wouldn't affect the band or his friendship with the others, but it was really just something he wanted to stay in the dark about and not let anybody else know about it.

"Well everybody is going to come over in a few." Naruto said sighing as he flopped down on the chair.

"Great…I hate having to do this."

"I know…They have to know though" Naruto pointed out.

"I know, I know just I really hate thinking about the whole thing."

He hated thinking about that and the new thing that was entering his mind. He looked at Naruto trying to be discreet about staring at him. His friend was attractive, very attractive actually. He liked how long and thin his body was, especially his legs they just went on forever…He mentally slapped himself and felt embarrassed and weird for thinking in that direction about his best friend. Great two problems now. He hated that he finally got something to distract him from his lack of having his own family and that it was he was now finding his best friend more attractive than he should. Maybe if he just shut his mind off or his emotions off then he'd be fine. Also maybe if he stopped staring at Naruto then he'd be semi-alright then too.

"What?" Naruto asked curiously raising an eyebrow.

Sasuke averted his eyes blushing. He was actually blushing that was something that he rare to never did especially when it came to Naruto.

"Nothing just zoned out for awhile." Sasuke muttered scratching at the back of his head.

He had a million nervous habits that he wanted to do at the moment just because he'd been caught staring at his best friend. He jumped when he heard a knock on the door and was slightly grateful for it even though it only meant telling more people about his failed relationship.

"I'll get it." Naruto said jumping up from the couch running to the door.

Sasuke remained on the couch with his head down his long black hair curtaining his face. He really hated that he was going to do this. He still couldn't figure out why, it wasn't his fault what she had done and he knew that, he'd always known that. Telling his close friends and his family about it though just seemed near impossible.

"So what's up?" Lee asked sitting on the chair Naruto had just been in.

"Yeah never really get called here as a group often." Kyubbi said sitting on the floor beside Kiba.

"I have something I have to tell you guys about." Sasuke sighed pulling his hair back out of his face.

He looked around at his friends, he was used to people looking at him. He always got attention from basically everybody, that was the point of him dressing flamboyantly other than the fact that he felt beyond uncomfortable dressed the way a male is supposed to dress.

"I broke up with Sakura…Well she kind of broke up with me, but I kicked her out."

"What? Why?" Lee asked confused.

"She told me she doesn't love me anymore….Actually I don't think that she ever did love me anyways.."

"What about the baby?" Kiba asked concerned.

"That's part the reason we broke up." Sasuke sighed.

He bit at his lower lip trying to keep from crying and or freaking out completely.

"I don't get it I thought you wanted a kid….Shit was it yours?" Kyubbi asked.

Sasuke cringed, he hated thinking the baby might not have been his, but he knew it had to have been.

"It was his" Naruto said sternly.

Sasuke looked over at his friend surprised that he said anything at all.

"You guys know how bad I want a family….She aborted the pregnancy while I was on tour…She didn't tell me till I got back." He said as quickly as he could.

Nobody said anything for awhile and he started to feel more and more uncomfortable about the quickly growing silence.

"Why'd she…Why didn't she…" Kiba stuttered trying to figure out which question he wanted to ask.

"There wasn't anything wrong with him…Sh-she just didn't want a kid anymore….She sa-said she didn't love him or me anymore…She didn't want….To tell me cause she knew I'd freak out about it." He said confessing more about it than he had to his mother that morning.

"I can't fucking believe her." Kyubbi said angrily.

"Wait him?" Lee asked cautiously almost like he was afraid to ask.

"Y-yeah….She told me"

"I still can't believe she did that…Just because she doesn't love you doesn't give her the right to do that without you agreeing to it." Kiba said still sounding confused.

"Not the only reason she gave….She also said about her looks and clothing and she wasn't ready for it yet."

"Her clothing? How fucking shallow can you get?"

"Apparently a lot…"

"What happened to your hands?" Lee asked curiously.

Sasuke looked down at the stained white bandages around his hands and wondered what he did to make the wounds start bleeding again.

"I kind of didn't take it well when she told me…I didn't touch her…I just started breaking shit when she left…" Sasuke said rubbing at his sore hands.

"Yeah he's staying with me till his house gets fixed up." Naruto said quietly.

"Taking it this happened awhile ago." Kyubbi said.

"Few days ago…Been more in the throwing up and passing out on piles of glass mode more than the telling everybody I know my long time girlfriend is a bitch mode." Sasuke said smiling slightly.

"So does anybody else know?"

"My mom…She sounded like she took it alright, probably just cause of me though…I'll have to call her later see how alright she is though." He said sighing.

"Yeah…Do you need anything cause if there's anything you need you can ask us." Lee said placing his hand over Sasuke's.

"Thanks, but I think I'll be alright…I'll get through it somehow…Thanks guys."

"No problem." Kyubbi said standing up from the floor.

"I'll call you later man, alright?" Kiba said before leaving the house with the others behind him.

Sasuke waited for the door to close before he let the few tears he'd been holding back fall from his eyes.

"You alright?" Naruto asked caringly.

"Yeah…I'll be alright…Just fucking glad that's over with." He said sighing.

He couldn't figure out why he had been so nervous about telling his friends. They didn't judge him or get mad at him and why would they? They were just concerned about him which he liked, but hated at the same time. Bad enough he had Naruto worrying about him, then again Naruto also found him passed out on a bed of glass just a few days ago so he had plenty of reasons to worry.

He looked over to see Naruto leaning against him tracing patterns on his arm again. He didn't like it when he did that it made him feel embarrassed about the marks on his arms. He pulled his arm away making the other man fall closer against him then pull back looking embarrassed. Sasuke put his arm around his friend and pulled him close to him, he didn't mind as much when Naruto started to trace circles on his stomach. He actually liked having Naruto touching him there…Once again more thoughts he'd never had before. He looked at his friend again this time he knew he wouldn't be caught staring. If he was he'd play it off casually.

He liked Naruto…Well loved him as a friend not in the other way. He thought Naruto was extremely attractive in the casual friend way or maybe in the other way…He was actually starting to think maybe in the sexual way like wondering what it would be like to play connect the dots with the mass of freckles on Naruto with his tongue…He couldn't believe that he just had that though. He tried to rid it from his mind, but he kept on thinking about it and picturing doing that…He honestly had no clue what was wrong with him.

"So anything you want to do?" Naruto asked casually.

'you' Sasuke thought then shook his head at the thought.

"Not really kind of drained from spreading bad news to everybody I know. Anybody else I'm just emailing."

He really couldn't vocally handle telling another living being that his life was fucked.

"I understand…Maybe you should go get some rest and I'll cook you something to eat if you want." Naruto said sitting back and looking up at the other man.

"Sounds good." Sasuke said smiling softly.

"Anything in specific you want?"

"No, not really." He replied standing from the couch and stretching.

"Alright I can work with that." Naruto said grinning.

Sasuke nodded then walked back to his room to lay on his bed and think about everything. He knew that he didn't want to think about Sakura other than the fact that if it wasn't for her he wouldn't feel like blowing his brains out and feel confused about who he was anymore. He'd always had problems with who he was, Hell he still remembered how he came up with his stage name 'Sasuke Chaos'. He was in his teen years and was too lazy to write a report so he just jotted down the name and somehow in some biblical miracle received an A on the report. Before he came up with that name he was just Sasuke Uchiha, the weird awkward Japanese kid with Straight hair. He had been discovering different things and even before that, he'd been wearing black nail polish, eyeliner, and MISFIT tee shirts since he was ten. That wasn't unusual, but it was like he was turning into a different person completely.

It was weird to explain. Either way that transformation was sort of how he was feeling now, except then it was teenage angst and a strong hatred for the world around him. Now it was loneliness, confusion, depression, and still that hatred for the world around him. He couldn't grasp on what was going on with him what was wrong with him, but it was messed up for him to think of it as wrong…He didn't even know what it was. He didn't understand how he was feeling, he loved Naruto in that friend way and Naruto was very good looking. He'd always thought those things and felt those things, but lately it was different. Especially just a few minutes ago on the couch, he'd never had that thought before. He'd never thought it about Naruto or anybody of the male species. He wanted to play it off as having to do with just being lonely and Naruto was there. He didn't mean that in the sex way maybe he was just emotionally needing comfort, but even that didn't settle it for him.

He wanted to just start thinking about his friend and think about how he felt about him, but that scared the Hell out of him. He didn't want to think about it and 'feel' something. He especially didn't want to start thinking sexual thoughts then have to go hang around his friend and pretend that he wasn't thinking of him in a different type of a way.

Nothing. It was nothing. That was all that it was. At least he was going to convince himself of that long enough to eat dinner and watch some TV then go to bed and try to forget it all.


	6. Chapter 6

Sasuke sat curled up on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor huddled against the corner between the toilet and the bathtub with his right arm outstretched and a pair of scissors in his left hand pressing the steel blade roughly against his skin applying pressure until his skin gave way and broke from the sharp edge of the blade. He leaned his head back against the wall groaning, his arm itched. It did that when he needed to desecrate himself in the form of self-mutilation and the reason that it itched was only down the hall and fast asleep oblivious to what was going on. Weeks had passed since he came to live with Naruto and in those weeks the different feeling he felt towards the guitarist turned into a near lustful obsession that was not even considering to coming to terms with. He risked a glance down to see the horrific site of his tattoo covered arm drenched in blood as it poured over like a waterfall and stained his blue jeans and his bare feet, he'd have to clean up really good this time to make sure Naruto wouldn't know.

He'd been cutting himself since the first dream he had. It was only eight days ago, but every single day since then he had more and more erotic dreams about his friend. He hated himself for it and he couldn't even get himself to look at Naruto anymore every time that he looked at the other man he just kept thinking what he wanted to do to him and he felt like a disgusting freak for those thoughts.

He whimpered as he stopped dragging the blade, he looked down to see a long and rather deep line cut into the underside of his arm. Naruto would notice that, Hell everybody would notice that. He silently cursed himself for the obvious mark, he pulled the blade out and laid it upon the toilet lid and carried himself un-steadily to his feet. His head felt light and he felt as if he would pass out. He held onto the counter edge for support and limped his way in front of it drops of blood trailing behind him. He turned the water in the sink on and cringed at how fucking loud it sounded, it was too loud. It would wake Naruto and then he would ask if he was alright and Sasuke knew that with the state he was in lying believably wasn't an easy thing to do. He put his bleeding arm under the faucet and watched as the blood mingled with the crystal clarity of the water turning into a faded pink that almost had a lemonade look to it. He used his free hand to search through the cabinets and try to find the gauze. Boxes and cans fell out as his hand shook frantically and his head was spinning and he could swear that he was going to throw up. He already did too much of that. He finally found the roll of white gauze and pulled his wounded arm from under the sink quickly and tightly wrapping gauze around it in layers till he was sure that the bleeding wouldn't show through too much.

He turned off the faucet and allowed himself to just fall back onto the floor his back and his head hitting hard against the wall, his back arched as the sharp sensation of the pain shooting up through his spine and skull. He heard a clicking sound and turned his head to see light seeping under the door from the hallway.

"Shit" He muttered hating himself for making so much noise.

He held his breath and listened to the footsteps and then looked around the room and at the mess that he had made. Maybe if he moved really quickly Naruto wouldn't notice, he stumbled quickly onto his hands and knees grabbing paper towels and soaking them with water as he scrubbed at the blood that stained the floor, toilet, tub, and counter. He looked straining against the darkness of the room making sure that all of it was gone, he grabbed the scissors that were the cause of his affliction and shoved them into his jeans pocket. He looked down to see the drops of blood on his jeans, he cursed himself for that, but knew that maybe he could just play it off as paint or marker or some shit like that. It was three in the morning, Naruto wouldn't be thinking well enough to really be skeptical. His heart leapt when he heard knocking on the bathroom door.

"Sasuke? You okay?" Naruto asked tiredly from the other side of the door.

"Yeah I'm fine" Sasuke said unlocking and opening the door.

Naruto stood there only in a pair of black silk boxers that hung loosely on his hips, Sasuke blushed deeply and tried to avert his eyes and his mind from the thoughts that ran rapid about what he wanted to do to the man standing before him.

"You sure your okay?" He asked tiredly.

Sasuke forced eye contact to see that Naruto was trying to search the truth in his eyes and he wanted Naruto to see the truth there. He wanted him to see how sick of a fuck he was and how he wasn't okay no matter how many times he said that he was and that he didn't even know who he was anymore and that he couldn't stop thinking about his best friend in the most perverse of ways. He wanted Naruto to hear his mind screaming help, but he knew that he wouldn't. The guitarist averted his eyes to the bandages wrapped around the other man's arm and reached out gliding his fingertips lightly over the rough material then looking back up with curiosity and concern.

"What happened to your arm?" He asked softly.

"Nothing."

'Nothing' that was the only thing that he could come up with. There was no lie that popped into his mind that would be believable, he couldn't really think of one though it was either 'nothing' or 'I just slit the fuck out of my arm with a pair of rusted scissors and will probably die of a blood infection'. He figured that nothing was a much better answer because nothing would just make Naruto worry more and if he stood his ground enough then maybe Naruto would drop the subject and let the other man go.

"How is that nothing? What happened?" Naruto asked grabbing Sasuke's arm and holding it up to look at it more closely.

Sasuke jerked his arm away roughly and glared at the other man who looked at him in shock and sadness, his light blue eyes fearful and regretful.

"I told you it's nothing now leave me alone." Sasuke snapped as he shoved past the other man and went into his bedroom slamming the door shut behind him.

He hated himself. He couldn't believe that he had just yelled at his friend that way. He had to though if he didn't do that then there would be more questions and more looks and he didn't want to face either one of those and if Naruto started to hate him then good.

"Fuck"

What was he even thinking? If he pissed Naruto off then Naruto would end up leaving the band and everything he'd worked so hard for would be gone just because he was a fucking moron and couldn't handle his emotions. He couldn't handle all of the drama in his life. He couldn't handle how all of it hit him so hard and all at once. One minute he was happy and then the next he's alone and depressed and questioning his sexuality. He looked down at his arm, he knew it was still bleeding. If he bleed to death then Naruto would know what he had been doing for the past week. Then he'd hate him for not being able to handle his life. Sasuke sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at the floor, he felt like shit and looked like it. He still regretted snapping at Naruto the way that he had and the way that he had for so many days now. He'd been cruel to the other man who was only trying to help and care for him and he knew that it was wrong of him. He knew that the older man was only trying to help him, but he couldn't. He didn't know what he was trying to help with. He didn't know that Sasuke had a massive crush on him and that he so far from cheap televised gay porn found he was only attracted to Naruto. He didn't know if he was gay or if he could even be considered bisexual. He just knew that he was sexually attracted to Naruto and that was it.

The thought of being with another man didn't appeal to him what so ever, but the thought of having Naruto made him feel different. Made him feel the way that he used to feel about Sakura before that turned into a bitter hate. He was also scared of getting with his friend for the thought that maybe things would work and then all the sudden Naruto would change and be a completely different person and break Sasuke's heart and he knew that he couldn't handle having that happen again.

He looked down at his blood soaked jeans and felt a wave of disgust. While he was hurting himself he was fine with seeing the blood, but afterwards it just sickened him and sent him nearly into a full blown panic attack. He stripped himself of the clothing that he wore and searched for clothes that he had not yet desecrated. All that he had left were a pair of tight ripped up black jeans and a faded David Bowie tee shirt that he hadn't worn for years. He pulled on the jeans and hesitated before putting the shirt on, he looked at his reflection in the mirror and saw all the faded and bright red scars that were scattered upon his body. Some were from weeks ago and others only a day or two from the rusty pair of scissors that he used to harm himself. He felt disgusted with the way that he looked with all of those marks….God if Naruto only knew, if he knew then he would hate him. He wouldn't blame him for it either, he hated himself for the way that he was anymore. He pulled the shirt on and placed his hand upon the doorknob wondering if he really was ready to face Naruto or not. Screw it. He'd go out and just avoid the other man, he could just leave the room every time Naruto entered till it got too tense and one of them would start yelling. He sighed and left his room he didn't see Naruto in the hallway, for some reason he had expected him to be standing there waiting for him. He felt his heart sink a little finding that his thought was wrong.

He entered the living room to find the guitarist curled up on the couch with his legs pulled up against his body and his blonde fringe of hair covering over half of his beautiful face, his eyes were red and puffy and Sasuke knew that he had been crying and he knew why. He wanted to turn around and run back to his room and cut the shit out of another part of his body, but he knew he couldn't do that. He knew cutting himself wouldn't change the fact that he had made Naruto cry just like it never changed a lot of things…

He averted his eyes and stuffed his hands into his jeans pockets and lowered his head letting his long locks of black hair curtain his face as he made his way into the kitchen. He found the coffee pot was already on and there was enough for one last cup, he wondered how much Naruto had went through already as he poured a cup and slowly made his way back to the living room. He wondered whether to sit on the couch on the far other end so he wouldn't be close to Naruto or to sit on the floor far away from Naruto. Either way he just wanted to avoid Naruto.

'Fuck it' He thought as he sat on the other end of the couch avoiding any kind of contact with the other man.

He could sense eyes on him and knew Naruto was staring and it made him feel ashamed and like an asshole. He focused on the television to see that there was some horror movie playing, he knew what one it was just could never re-call the title. It wasn't per-say horror more of a group of people in a Freak Show who were being mistreated and two people fell in love and they took revenge on the ring leader of the show turning him into a man-chicken. It was a good film more on the Sci-Fi romance side though. It amazed Sasuke how old movies made in the 50's and 60's were so beautifully done compared to the computer animated films of the 21st century.

He looked away from the screen and sipped at the semi-hot cup of coffee that he held in his hands, he froze when he felt something against him. He looked down to see Naruto's head resting on his lap he was facing the television and he was tracing a circular pattern with his index finger on the material of Sasuke's jeans. This was the same boy that he had snapped at only minutes ago and the same boy that he had made cry and treated so God awfully. This was the same boy that was now laying on his lap like nothing had happened. Sasuke reached his hand down and petted the other man's head running his fingers through his soft two toned hair. He always loved how soft Naruto's hair felt and he also loved the smell of the orange shampoo that he used.

"I'm sorry." Naruto whispered almost too low to be heard.

Sasuke stopped petting him and was taken aback by the apology. What did Naruto have to apologize for? He didn't do anything wrong.

"What are you sorry for?"

"For making you mad at me…I just…I didn't think…I'm sorry."

He felt more like a jackass than he had several minutes ago. Naruto turned so that he was on his back and looking up at the raven haired man now, his eyes were bright and bloodshot he had definitely been crying. Sasuke wanted so badly to kiss his tears away and then kiss his lips and tell him that everything was okay, but that was wrong and he couldn't do that.

"Naruto, don't. You didn't do anything wrong, I just…I don't know what's with me lately."

That was only a half lie which wasn't as bad as the full lies he had been telling for weeks now.

"Tell me maybe I can help." The other man said hopefully.

He sounded like a small child wanting to be a grown up by doing something important, it broke Sasuke's heart that he couldn't tell his friend every little thing wrong with him. He wanted to bleed his emotions out to him so badly, but he had to hold back. He'd hold back till he died of some sick and twisted death.

"It's nothing you can help with.." He whispered sadly as he softly caressed the other man's warm cheek.

"Why not?"

"Its just…Look I really don't want to go into it." Sasuke said more sternly.

That's right treat him like shit again. If he treated Naruto like he was worthless then he would stop asking questions and thinking that he could help save him when there was nothing at all he could do. Sasuke wanted to wallow and die in his misery and rid himself of all the romanticized thoughts revolving around the man that was so close to him at the moment.

"…What were those stains on your jeans earlier?" Naruto asked moving to a sitting position.

Sasuke missed the warmth of having the other man so close to him.

"Marker" He replied finding it easy to lie about that one.

The guitarist nodded not questioning the answer that he was given. He knew he hurt him enough to keep him away and for that he was proud as well as ashamed.

Sasuke stood before the small mirror that hung in the bathroom with a razorblade in hand pressing it against his chest. He winced as it pierced through the skin and deep red blood trickled from the wound and down his pale skin. He watched as it trailed down his body stopping below his nipple, he was slightly sickened by the hot sticky feel of his blood. He placed the blade higher now right against the side of his neck, it was a risk for several reasons; one was he could cut too deep and cause himself severe medical harm and the second was there was a grand possibility that Naruto would see it. He took the risk anyway and quickly pierced the skin, dragged the blade a good four inches, and then pulled out. He watched as the blood poured from the wound slowly and made its way down his slender neck and pooling in his collarbone.

He looked up at his reflection. His complexion was pallid and sickly the blood was bright rose red against his skin. He looked like a depraved form of art, he grabbed the washcloth from the counter and began to wipe at the freshly made wounds. The one on his neck took awhile to stop bleeding, but it finally did. The cut was long and he hoped he could hide it well enough with his hair. He pulled his shirt on the same shirt he had worn the other day after Naruto almost caught him cutting himself. They hadn't talked a whole lot since that night.

He studied himself in the mirror for a couple of minutes before deciding he looked as close to healthy as he was ever going to get before he left the room. He placed the blood stained razor blade in a small box that he kept on the dresser. He usually kept jewelry in it, but at the moment it was being used for blood stained scissors and a blood stained razor blade. He exited the room and made his way into the living room where Naruto sat on the couch staring at the television. He always seemed to be doing that either he really was watching it or it was giving him a reason to not talk to Sasuke he wasn't really sure of. He sat down on the chair not wanting to be close enough that the other man would have a chance to notice the scar on his neck. He sucked at explaining things calmly. Every time he tried he just ended up losing his temper and yelling at his friend and then regretting it, but not being able to take it back.

"Are you okay?"

It was a daily question Naruto would ask and Sasuke hated it. He was never okay and they both knew that he wasn't, but almost every time he said that he was.

"Yeah I'm alright." Sasuke replied shrugging.

Naruto looked at him a little bit longer then averted his eyes back to the television screen.

Sasuke allowed himself a few extra seconds to stare at the other man. He allowed himself to notice how shy and to himself he seemed lately and how he seemed cautious every time he was around Sasuke. He allowed himself to notice how beautiful and frail he really was and how there seemed to be so many things about Naruto that he really didn't know even though they'd known each other most of their lives. He allowed himself to notice how tense his body looked and how he just sat huddled up on the couch with his legs pulled up against himself, he allowed himself to notice that Naruto wasn't wearing a shirt and only an extremely tight pair of blue jeans that were faded at the knees, and he allowed himself to notice how his eyes seemed red and tired.

He wondered if he was as sleep deprived as he was. He wished that he knew what was going on with his friend, but he wouldn't allow it. He wouldn't allow himself to be open enough to learn the other man's wants and needs and what was bothering him so deeply. Sasuke knew he was part of the reason that the other man looked so pained and he hated himself more for it and felt that the cuts on his body only served more purpose. He wasn't even entirely sure why he decided on self-harm. He wasn't sure what he was solving and he knew it was the dumbest thing that he could do to himself, but he couldn't help it. It killed his emotions, it took him away from sexual fantasies. It distracted him with burning pain and tore him from all thoughts and feelings. That was why he cut himself. He always felt more ashamed and desecrated each time that he did it though, with every cut and slash in his flesh he felt more and more worthless.

Naruto looked over at him making eye contact with Sasuke for the first time in days and it made him panic. He averted his eyes quickly and started biting at his fingernails which were already down to absolutely nothing and now coated with chipping black nail polish. He could still feel eyes on him and it made him un-comfortable, finally he heard footsteps walking by him and down the hallway. He sighed in relief and chanced a glance at his friend as he walked down the hall and allowed himself to notice how he would swing his hips slightly as he walked and how beautifully long his legs were and how shapely his ass was. After that final thought he turned his head away and felt himself blushing, he reached his hand up to his neck lightly tracing his fingers along the cut there. He pulled away and saw a few drops of blood staining his fingers, it was still bleeding slightly, but it would stop. Maybe his thoughts about Naruto would stop too, but so far they just grew more and more severe. He'd lost track of just how many erotic dreams he had had involving his dear friend and how many of them he woke up sweating and hard.

"Hey Sasuke can I borrow one of your chokers?" Naruto called from down the hall.

The thought of Naruto shirtless and wearing a choker turned him on a bit and he felt ashamed for it.

"Y-yeah" He managed out as he tried to shake the thoughts and images from his mind.

He hated himself for thinking the things that he was. He got up and walked into the kitchen, he went through the fridge trying to find something to drink or eat. Primarily drink he hadn't eaten anything for almost a week, his stomach hurt from it, but he would deal with it. He grabbed a bottle of juice and leaned back against the counter sipping at it. He heard a clattering noise followed by cussing and glanced towards the hallway wondering if he should go see if his friend was alright or not. He hated that he had to wonder about that, he never had to wonder before. He sat the container down on the counter and made his way quickly down the hall and towards his room to see what had happened. He walked into his room and froze, Naruto stood holding the pair of blood stained scissors in his hands looking down at them in shock and fear. Sasuke swallowed hard and could feel his heart beat quicken pounding against his chest as if at any second it would rip from its confines and fall to the floor. He looked to see the black box on the floor its contents spilled and scattered upon the floor. He then looked back up at Naruto who was still staring at the scissors that lay in the palm of his hands as if he'd never seen something like them before in his life. He finally turned his head and looked at Sasuke, his eyes were wide and pleading almost like he wanted to be told there was some mistake and what he was thinking at the moment was wrong.

"Sasuke?" He asked his voice a soft whisper that could just barely be heard.

Sasuke couldn't speak. He couldn't find words or a single lie in the depths of his mind to tell the man standing before him. He wanted to lie and say it was nothing, he also wanted to turn on his heels and run out of the house and never go back. No he wouldn't run, it wouldn't be right.

"Sasuke…What…What…I…" Naruto stuttered, he was searching for something that he couldn't find.

Neither of them could find words for this moment, there was nothing. Sasuke just looked at the bloody pair of scissors in his friend's hand and then down to the floor where the bloodied razor lay on the carpet and finally back up to his friend's face. He didn't want to look at Naruto's face it was so pained and filled with fear and anguish. His eyes were wide and he looked ready to cry at any second, his blonde fringe of hair falling over the side of his face glowing in comparison to the suddenly pale tone of his skin. Sasuke hated to confess he looked terrifyingly beautiful and he was looking at Sasuke as if he'd just risen up from a coffin. There were no words.

"Wh-wh-wha-what is this?" Naruto finally managed out, he clutched his hands around the blades of the scissors tightly making his knuckles turn white.

"Tell me what this is!" He screamed looking away from his hands and glaring at Sasuke, tears were falling from his eyes and his teeth were clenched.

Sasuke opened and closed his mouth a few times searching for words, but he couldn't find any not a sound.

"Why do you have these? Why?"

"Naruto…" Sasuke started softly, his voice was nervous.

He walked slowly towards the other man reaching his hand out to him wondering if he should touch him or not.

"Yo-y-your arm…" He stuttered looking away from Sasuke.

He couldn't say anything, he just stopped a few feet away from his friend and dropped his head guiltily.

"P-pl-please…Tell me…You didn't…" He stuttered out pleadingly.

Sasuke didn't reply. He couldn't even look at the other man, he could feel his eyes boring into him though.

"Tell me you didn't…Are there more?"

No answer.

"Sasuke tell me what's going on."

Nothing.

"Fucking answer me!" Naruto screamed, he dropped the scissors to the ground and grabbed Sasuke by his shoulders slamming him back against the wall. He winced from the impact as a sharp pain shot up through his back.

He kept his eyes down and his teeth clenched trying to bite back the tears that wanted to fall.

"T-te-tell me what's going on…" He stuttered out again, his voice was breaking. The anger that was in it just a moment before was gone and replaced by that helplessness.

"Why does it hurt?" Sasuke finally asked.

Naruto loosened his grip on the raven haired man and looked at him in confusion, Sasuke just barely looked up.

"Wha-what I don't…"

"Why….Why does it hurt? Why do I feel so fucking guilty and sick?" Sasuke asked more to himself almost forgetting that Naruto was even in the room with him. His voice was bitter and self-hating.

The younger man just listened in confusion not sure what to say anymore or if it would even be safe to say anything at all.

"W-wh-why does what hurt?" Naruto asked gently, he placed his hand on Sasuke's cheek stroking softly.

He watched as the other man flinched at his touch almost like he was scared of him, he didn't mean to give that reaction, but he was feeling sick with himself again. He was feeling sick with his thoughts and his emotion and the scars that coated his body and the fact that now Naruto knew what he had been doing.

"Why…Why do I have….Have to think about you…."

Naruto was still lost. Confusion was beyond evident on his face.

"I-I…I can't st-stop…Every time…I do….I-I hurt myself…" He continued hoping his words were beginning to make sense. He wasn't sure if they were, but he knew they were at least coming out and he wasn't lashing out in anger like he had for all the days before.

"Sasuke what is it?"

He finally looked up into the other man's eyes, he saw all the sadness and how much he wanted to help and how he thought he could save him when they both knew that he really couldn't. How could you save somebody who had already fallen off of the edge?

"Why do I have to be in love with you?" He said as he finally let the tears fall freely from his eyes.

If Naruto wasn't right there in front of him he would have run out of the room, but he couldn't do that. He wasn't even sure where he would have went to if he could have. He waited in silence for what seemed like hours as the two of them just looked right at each other for the first time in days. He waited for some sort of an answer even if it was one of sickened disgust, Naruto could have hit him and kicked him out for all he cared as long as it was something. He started to quickly regret saying it out loud, why did he have to say 'love'? Before that moment he had never called what he was feeling for the guitarist 'love' he called it lust and confusion, but never that. He could feel his heart tighten though at the thought of it and it made sense and when he said it, it felt like a release. All he needed was a reply to his confession even if it was one that would have him slitting his wrists.

Naruto reached his hand up to Sasuke's face and he flinched his eyes closing tightly.

"I'm not going to hurt you." He whispered softly he almost sounded hurt that his friend would think that.

His breath caught in his throat as the younger man stroked the side of his face gently running his fingers back through his long black hair. He opened his eyes and cast his eyes down, he felt shame and guilt as much as he felt love and pleasure from the soft touches he was receiving. He didn't know what they meant, he didn't know if it meant that Naruto felt the same but was refraining from saying it back or if it meant they could only be friends and he was too scared of losing him to break his heart so quickly. Either way he couldn't handle waiting to hear something being said, he needed to know something. He needed to know just how sick of a person he really truly was for feeling the way that he was.

"Naruto…Please…" He said in a choked whisper, he cursed himself for sounding so weak and pathetic. He felt weak though, he felt like either passing out or throwing up. Wasn't it only a good few minutes ago that he was sitting there in the living room ignoring the man that was now only inches away from him?

The gentle touches stopped and Sasuke felt cold and empty again, he wished that he hadn't said anything.

"Sasuke look at me."

He didn't, he kept his eyes down out of fear and guilt. Naruto placed his hand under the older man's chin lifting his head up and forcing him to look into his eyes.

"I love you too." Naruto said.

Sasuke let out the breath he hadn't even known he'd been holding in and felt a small wave of relief wash over him. It was only relief on the fact that he hadn't been rejected, he still didn't know why the younger man found him worthy to love. He didn't think anything about him was worth loving nobody else thought anything about him was truly worth loving.

"I'm so messed up…I don't know what's wrong with me…"

"Nothing is wrong with you…Now tell me what's been going on…Why have you been….Why have you been hurting yourself?" Naruto asked he kept from saying the word 'cutting'.

"Because of you."

He hated how he said it, he hadn't said anything right for days now. That definitely didn't come out the way it should have, he knew by the hurt he saw flash into the other man's eyes. He knew he just fucked up by saying that and he knew he needed to say something else to make it better.

"I felt…I was…I started seeing you differently…and…I…couldn't…I felt guilty for thinking of you as more than a friend…It hurt…I didn't want you to know…Any of it…I-I just…I wanted my feelings to go away…" Sasuke stuttered out, he knew none of it made sense and if anything he probably just hurt the other man even more.

He didn't want to God knows for the first time in days he wasn't trying to hurt his friend only help him understand what he was going through and why he was being so cold and so mean towards him. He tried to search from some sort of a reaction, but he couldn't read the look on Naruto's face. He hated that and it made him feel weird again like he would throw up and he felt the cut on his arm itch like it always did when something made him feel messed up and made him feel like he needed to punish himself.

"Please just say something Naruto…I can't…I can't fucking deal with the pain anymore…" He said, he felt his body shake as he started to sob.

Naruto automatically wrapped his arms around the other man holding him closely.

"It's going to be okay…You don't need to be ashamed about it….Shh it's alright…It'll be alright…" He whispered softly as he ran his fingers through the younger man's hair in attempts to sooth him.

Sasuke held onto him tightly scared to let go, he didn't want to feel cold and alone. He didn't want time for his thoughts to turn wrong and for the guilt to over flow him and make him want to physically harm himself again, he just wanted to be held and feel like he wasn't doing anything wrong.

"Wh-why do I love you? You're my best friend…I shouldn't…I sh-shouldn't be thinking of you the way I have been…Something's wrong with me.."

Naruto pulled back enough to look the older man in the eyes before he started to speak.

"There's nothing wrong with you…You've been through a lot…"

"Look at me…I'm a fucking wreck…I shouldn't feel this way…I-I…"

His words were stopped when Naruto placed his lips over his kissing him softly, it wasn't like the other kisses they had shared in the past. It wasn't even like the one that made Sasuke feel 'different' this one was different. He let out a soft whimper and felt his body relax in the younger man's arms. He loved the way Naruto's lips felt working against his in a slow sort of rhythm and how his fingers curled and un-curled against the back of his head. He didn't feel the guilt he felt from his erotic dreams or from his passing thoughts, this gesture was real.

"I love you Sasuke. I want to be with you too, you don't need to feel guilty about it." Naruto whispered reassuringly as the kiss finally ended.

He softly kissed at the tears than ran down the raven haired man's chicks flicking the tip of his tongue against his warm skin, he pulled away smiling at him softly. He took Sasuke by the hand and led him over to the bed gesturing for him to lay down, he lay down beside of him and wrapped his arms around his waist holding him closely. He rested his head on Naruto's chest and began tracing patterns on his leg mindlessly as he allowed himself to be comforted by the feeling of the other man stroking his hair.

"Do you want to talk about it? You don't have to yet…Just whenever you feel your ready."

"I-I'll talk about it now…I want to…"

Naruto kissed the top of his head and Sasuke smiled sadly. He still didn't feel worthy to be with this man. He was so scarred physically and emotionally and he knew that Naruto could find somebody a million times better that wouldn't cause him any pain at all.

"That day…I told everybody about Sakura…When you kissed me…I felt different…I don't know how…Just different…Then….Th-then…I started looking at you different….I started thinking about you…..In a more intimate way…." He felt himself blush as he talked and he felt the shame and embarrass fill him again and he felt the urge to rush to the bathroom and cut himself open. He didn't though, he made himself stay and made himself talk. He needed to say it.

"Th-then….I started having dreams….About you….About us…Intimate….It freaked me out….I'm not gay and I'm not bisexual…Not out of denial…Just….No-nobody else of the same gender….Appeals to me…Only you…." He settled on the word appeal and kept wondering when Naruto would think he was disgusting and throw him out.

The only thing he felt were the soft strokes of the other man's hand going through his hair.

"I-it freaked me out….That's how…How I cut my arm…Th-that night y-you…Found me in the bathroom…I sliced my arm open….I had a dream about us and…I couldn't deal with it…I-I felt…I felt….Guilty and disgusting….Every time I….I just cut myself…I've been doing it for…Over a week now…I didn't want you to find out." He whispered as the tears fell from his eyes.

He tried to focus on something to keep from just breaking down completely.

"Why didn't you tell me how you feel?"

"I didn't want you didn't feel the same way…I also didn't want my best friend to know I'd been having erotic dreams about him either." He said blushing deeply.

He looked up at Naruto again he didn't have much left to say other than he felt ugly and worthless and couldn't believe Naruto was still there holding him and caressing him.

"Where are the rest of the cuts at?" Naruto asked slowly almost like he didn't know how to go about asking and as if he really didn't want an answer.

"Mostly above the waist…There's a few…A few lower…" He said averting his eyes again.

He winced when he felt Naruto press his fingers to the cut on his neck.

"Did you…"

Sasuke nodded slowly in reply. He felt guilty for cutting himself especially now that Naruto knew.

"Do you still love me?"

"I'll always love you Sasuke, nothing is going to change that…Just promise me you'll stop hurting yourself." Naruto said looking deeply into the other man's eyes, Sasuke could see the concern and the fear in them and he knew he had caused it to be there.

"I-I promise….Where do we go from here?" Sasuke asked curiously.

He needed to get his mind onto a positive side, he wanted to hear how everything would be alright when there was a possibility that it wouldn't. He knew that at some point in the future Naruto would see every flaw and find that he couldn't take how emotionally unstable Sasuke was and he would leave him and break his heart like everybody in the past had. He wished he hadn't said that he loved him, but he did and it was out.

"We get some sleep and when we wake up we can talk things out. I know one thing for sure I want you to move in with me permanently…If you want to…I mean if your still unsure and stuff then you don't have to."

"I figured I was already going to live here for the rest of my life anyway." Sasuke said smirking.

Naruto smiled and kissed him on the forehead.

"I love you Sasuke." He whispered softly.

"I love you too Naruto."

Sasuke held on tightly and allowed himself to go to sleep that way. He was scared as Hell about what would happen tomorrow and all of the days afterward, but at the moment he was with Naruto.


End file.
